What Its Like To Watch “The Land Before Time” As An Adult

Two words: fucking devastating.

As a semi joke for Christmas this year my mother bought me the 1988 Don Bluth classic “The
Land Before Time.” I hadn’t seen the film since I was a child and remembered two things about it …the amazing Pizza Hut ad that aired before it…and that it involved dinosaurs.

My sister and I decided to revisit the film one night and realized that a) this is no kids film and b) we were a wreck through most of it.

To set the mood…press play as we journey to the Great Valley aka the Valley of a million tears.

We start off with this lil’ cutie; Littlefoot.

And as most children’s movies go…he is without one parent but has his mom (not for long) and his gparents around. Pretty happy start.

Despite Littlefoot’s attempts to befriend Cera (who knows why as she’s a total bitch), we quickly learn that dinosaurs only stick to “their kind” …already throwing the adult themes of racism in there huh Bluth?

Basically, they are trying to find this oasis of food…or tree stars as Littlefoot’s mother calls them.

Then this douchemonster shows up and ruins everything.

Clearly, things were just going too well with the themes of dino segregation and starvation so LF’s mom bites it and gives an extremely sentimental goodbye.

Devastation level rising.

Littlefoot has a difficult time accepting his mother is gone and slips into depression.

Eyes are now red, nose is running.

He then runs into this kind crankpot who gives a heartfelt message.

Hold on as I get more tissues…

As a side note…a serious parental death…the circle of life…I feel Lion King has some ‘splaining to do.

And just when you thought it was time to move on …Littlefoot mistakes his own shadow as his mother and happily chases “her” for a moment.

This is a straight up punch to the heart. Read that caption! READ IT!

Thank God he’s finally made some friends and we’re past the whole depression stage…

Oh wait, sorry nope. His friends leave him in the cold one night and sleep by Cera instead. (See, bitch.)

Can this kid seriously catch a break?

Then his “friends” don’t believe him, follow Cera (once again sucking at life) and he has to end up saving their happy asses from a volcano.

But in the end they avenge LF’s mom and kill the douche by drowning him. Unfortunately for a brief moment we think they killed off that little flying guy…which is believable since this movie has no boundaries on how many times it can make one curl into the fetal position for a good sob.

Oh yeah, and then the spirit of LF’s mom shows up just to kick us in the feels one last time for good measure.

Thank God they found that damn Great Valley and closed the movie with all the families accepting each other. Otherwise most kids would be rocking in a corner, reverting back to thumb-sucking.

In conclusion, remind me to hide this DVD for another 20 years. Thanks.

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