In case you missed it, I've changed my foolish ways and decided, after 13 years, to watch the Harry Potter films. Three weeks ago I watched the first one.
Two weeks ago, I followed that up with Chamber of Secrets, mostly because it's the second one.
This week, I watched and live-tweeted everyone's favourite film of the series. Here's what I thought.
A month ago I'd never seen a Harry Potter film, now I'm watching Prisoner of Azkaban for the first time. Let's do this! #finallywatchingHP
Ooh, new title style.
The film opens with Harry, now 13, under the covers playing with his wand.
Meanwhile, Uncle Richard Griffith's sister, Marge, comes to visit. She's not particularly nice.
"It's Harry, Harry Potter."
Marge trolls Harry like he's a woman on YouTube.
Which makes Harry all angsty.
He destroys her brandy snifter with his mind.
Then he blows her up like Violet Beauregarde, only less purple.
Despite Uncle Richard Griffith's best efforts, Marge floats up into the stratosphere and dies shortly after.
Because he's a teenager, Harry kicks his desk.
He decides he's had enough of this Muggle shit, and runs away. He gets as far as the kerb.
Thankfully, the plot made allowances for this kind of rebellion, and the Knight Bus comes to get him.
Knight Bus! #iseewhatyoudidthere #finallywatchingHP
Harry tells the Knight Bus conductor that he's on the run from the law, for murdering Marge.
The conductor tells Harry about the escaped convict, Sirius Black, because plot.
"Yes but what I really want to know is... why so Sirius?"
That joke is so bad the driver slams on the brakes and kicks Harry off the bus.
Harry finally gets to The Leaky Cauldron, where IAN GODDAMN BROWN is hanging out reading a well-worn copy of A Brief History of Time.
For some reason a hunchback tries to give Harry bread.
The Minister of Magic is at The Leaky Cauldron. Harry thinks he's going to be punished.
"Crime does pay!"
Ron and Hermione arrive.
Ron's dad tells Harry to watch out for Sirius Black. He does this for plot reasons.
"Promise me you won't go looking for Sirius Black."
"OK, I promise, but why so Sirius."
"You are literally the worst. Never talk to me again."
They board the train to Hogwarts, where Hermione entertains the boys with some freestyle enunciation.
The film looks stunning, by the way.
Loving the look of this one. Cuarón is a genius. #finallywatchingHP
But the train stops. And shit gets dark.
"You don't think it could be..."
This is still a kids film, right?
"Dinosaurs!"
"Boy, I hate being right all the time."
BREAKING: Def not a dinosaur.
"Ooh, are you Harry Potter?"
"Quick, flare your nostrils at it!"
At this point David Thewlis turns up to save the day.
Harry faints.
"It was a barber, Harry, you and Ron are in desperate need of a haircut."
"Did anyone else faint?"
"No, I felt weird though, like I'd never be cheerful again."
Hogwarts! Within 25 mins. A new record. #finallywatchingHP
Gambondore introduces everyone to the new teachers.
Thewlis is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. Third in three years. I smell a theme! #finallywatchingHP
Gambondore also introduces a ban on hair products, which does not go down well in some circles.
Harry, Ron, and the some of the other boys experiment with drugs.
"Guys, is there steam coming out of my ears?"
By the way, Hogwarts looks so MAJESTIC in this film.
Hogwarts it's legitimately beautiful. Brb moving house. #finallywatchingHP
In class, Emma Thompson demonstrates jazz hands.
Hermione is unimpressed.
Emma Thompson asks Ron to look at his tea leaves.
Giant Robbie Coltrane is teaching his first class.
Neville is being Neville. But that's OK.
See?
Giant Robbie Coltrane introduces us to his pet Hippogriff, Buckbeak.
Buckbeak takes Harry for a ride.
"Jack, I'm flying!"
Meanwhile Draco Hair Gel and the Shade Throwers are performing their new single.
Unfortunately, the only thing worse than air keyboard is an entire air keyboard band.
Buckbeak is not impressed.
Buckbeak kicks Draco Hair Gel, and everyone lulz. Everyone except Hermione.
Thus follows a whole scene about conquering fear, but the most important part is...Undercover Snape!
The students are all off to the nearby village of Hogsmeade, but not Harry, for reasons McGonagall explains in her delightful Scottish accent.
Harry is so emo right now.
Harry goes to see Lupin, who is definitely not a werewolf.
@wordsbydan he's basically called "Wolfie Wolferson"
"And your name is Potter."
For totally non-werewolf reasons, Snape is covering Lupin's class.
"Turn to page three hundred and ninety..."
"Four."
"Your teacher finds himself incapable of teaching at the present time." Oh it's full moon. And p394 is about werewolves. #finallywatchingHP
Harry's all like, "I told you," and Snape is all like, "Shut..."
And Hermione is all like.
Sportsball time!
Unfortunately no Wood in this film. So here's an old one.
Harry's shaft freezes.
The Dementors attack, Harry falls off his broom, and Gambondore calls off the game.
After waking up in hospital (again), Harry asks Lupin to teach him how to fight off Dementors.
At this point, Harry does some acting, and contemplates some heavy shit.
With his brain hurting from too many thinks, he decides to sneak into Hogsmeade.
Srsly just wear the invisible cloak all the time. #finallywatchingHP
In Hogsmeade, Harry sneaks into a room where he gets some terrible news.
Oh, and also that Sirius Black is his godfather.
Hermione and Ron find Harry crying.
"They were lip-synching!"
"Oh I love Milli Vanilli. Almost as much as enunciating."
"Like that scary house over there. I bet that has something to do with the plot."
"Here's a plot point for you: I'm going to kill Sirius Black."
"Geez, Harry. Why so Sirius?"
"Oh, you guys."
As promised, Lupin teaches Harry how to fight Dementors.
Lupin tells Harry the happy thoughts he needs to conjure the Patronus Charm aren't happy enough, and he needs to think of something else.
"Expecto Patronum!"
Second-time charm's a charm.
ICYMI: Harry shot some white stuff out of his wand. #finallywatchingHP
"As a matter of interest, what were you thinking? Which memory did you choose?"
Studying the Marauder's Map, Harry sees Peter Pettigrew walking the halls of Hogwarts.
Sirius Black killed Pettigrew. Killed him right in the face.
After a Snape encounter, Harry shows Lupin his map.
"Pettigrew's alive?"
For attacking Draco, Buckbeak has been sentenced to death. Today is the day of his execution.
Dude from Soul Caliber is sharpening his blade.
In retaliation, Hermione nearly kills Draco, but changes her mind.
Important reminder: Hermione is a badass.
Poor Buckbeak.
Thankfully the camera cuts away.
Hermione seeks comfort in Ron's shoulder.
Until Harry "Third Wheel" Potter ruins it.
Ron plays with his pet rat instead.
Then this dog shows up and drags Ron and Scabbers down a hole.
Sensing the need to get the finale started, Harry and Hermione follow along.
It also leads to Sirius Black.
Hermione, ever the badass, steps in front of Harry.
Apparently there isn't a dentist at Azkaban. Or a toothbrush. Or floss.
Lupin arrives and disarms Harry, before turning his attention to Black.
"...Sirius?"
"Give us a hug, you handsome devil!"
Hermione tells everyone she knows Lupin is a werewolf, because of course she did, because of course he is.
Sirius explains that it totes wasn't him. That it was in fact Peter Pettigrew who betrayed Harry's parents.
And when you least expect him... Suprise Snape!
With everyone distracted, Harry goes in for the grope.
Plot twist: Harry disarms Snape.
Harry demands to be shown where Peter Pettigrew is.
"Hang on a minute, dickhead. My name's Ron."
"Typical man, making it all about you."
SCABBERS WAS TIMOTHY SPALL THE WHOLE TIME.
Sirius apologises for biting Ron.
"The tail I could live with. The dad jokes, they're murder." #finallywatchingHP
Sirius tells Harry to come and live with him.
Umm. Guys. Full moon. Guys.
"This heart is where you truly live!" I kind of love Sirius. Kind of a lot. #finallywatchingHP
But it's too late, and Pettigrew escapes as Lupin transforms.
Sirius tries to protect Harry, Ron, and Hermione from Lupin but he's injured in the process.
Harry tries to help, but his Patronus is rubbish.
A kickass stag Patronus appears out of nowhere and fends off all the Dementors!
In the hospital, Hermione tells Harry that without Pettigrew, the Dementors are going to suck out Sirius' soul.
Here's Gambondore! Luckily he's a badass too, and he has a plan.
Hermione whips out her Time-Turner, and gives it three turns as instructed.
"This is a plot device, Harry. McGonagall gave it to me first term." #finallywatchingHP
Time travel?!
Rolling back the clock to a few hours earlier, they pull some Back to the Future Part II shenanigans on their past selves, and save Buckbeak.
Then they save their past selves from Lupin.
PSA: Don't throw rocks at werewolves #finallywatchingHP
And finally Harry conjures up a Patronus so DanRad it pwns all the Dementors.
I got a bit emotional.
Escaping on Buckbeak, Harry tells Hermione that it wasn't his dad who conjured the Patronus, after all. It was him.
Hermione breaks Sirius out of his jail cell.
Because he's now a fugitive from justice, Sirius has to say good-bye to Harry.
"Hi ho, Buckbeak!"
Back in the nick of time, Gambondore denies all knowledge of their secret adventure.
And none for Ron Weasleys.
Lupin also says good-bye. Werewolves in teaching positions are frowned upon, apparently.
So Harry does what any teen boy would do.
...and goes flying for a while.
In conclusion, I loved this film. Loved it. I loved Lupin, I loved Sirius. I loved the cinematography and the new Hogwarts. I loved Cuarón's direction.
So the plot had some holes. So what. It was as much fun as ride on a Hippogriff, and then some.
Until next time... mischief managed. #finallywatchingHP