1. 8:00am: One great thing about the morning? Breakfast!!
You’re afraid to admit it but sometimes you’re excited to go to sleep at night just so you can wake up and drink coffee again. Coffee, you give me purpose.
2. 9:00am: You’ve made it to work, you’ve settled in - new day, new possibilities.
Emails and calendars and phone calls and like whatever. It ain’t even a thing!
3. 10:00am: You are killin’ it - check that check-list, honey. WERK.
You go, Glen Coco! WERK that Excel spreadsheet. OWN that status call.
4. 10:30am: A few cubicles down someone breaks out a mid-morning snack.
She plans ahead and packs a snack every. single. day. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
5. 10:45am: But like, you’re pretty sure she’s taunting you…
Karen, with your granola bar and your almonds and your pre-planned meals. Why do you do this to me, Karen!? We’re supposed to be on the same team, Karen! Doesn’t that mean anything to you!?
6. 11:00am: Breakfast is a distant memory and you’re having feelings.
One hour until you can leave at a socially-respectable time for lunch. No biggie. We’re fine. Totally fine. Why am I drooling?
7. 11:30am: Time just moves so slowly, it’s like why do you even deal with time at this point?
What is time anyways and when did it become ok for time to be boss of everybody? WE SHOULD TOTALLY JUST KILL TIME.
8. 11:45am: Your body is weak.
I don’t even care what, when, or how. FOOD. IN. ME. NOW.
9. 12:00pm: Sweet Jesus and all of his friends, you’ve made it.
There is a God and he is meat and he is cheese and his friends are bread and life is good.
10. 12:30pm: Food coma.
No…what? What are you even talking about, I was just resting my eyes.
11. 1:00pm: Your second wind is here!
You’re ready to put post-it notes alllll up on your monitor screen. You have enough energy for all the reminders. Post-it note reminders ALL DAY.
12. 2:00pm: You even start to feel a little giddy ;)
Oh hay Bryan! I luhhv your tie today. Those little whales on it. I love whales. SO fetch.
13. 3:00pm: The mid-afternoon SLUMP.
Like a sponge that just drains all the fun from everything. Like a fun sponge.
14. 3:01pm: An email arrives - “Leftovers in the kitchen.”
A beacon of hope! A sign that all is right and well with the world!!
15. 3:02pm: And you claim whatever’s left for yourself.
This is no longer about food. This is about self-preservation. That cookie is your only hope of making it through. That cookie is yours.
16. 4:00pm: But it’s never enough. Snacks are never enough.
All joy has fled from this world and time moves at a glacial pace.
17. 4:15pm: You become hangry.
hanger (n.): a personal state characterized by a hunger that blinds the soul to reason, compassion, or any amount of human dignity.
18. 4:25: In a last ditch effort to pull yourself together you think “maybe this is a good thing.”
I’m becoming stronger, right? I’m burning so many calories. I don’t need food. I’m in control.
19. 4:30: But who are you kidding…
RAGE. YOU ARE FULL OF RAGE.
20. 4:35pm: RAGE AND CONFUSION AND WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?
21. 4:40pm: You take a second to consider your options…
22. 4:41pm: SWEET CLEMENTINE YOU WOULD EAT ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.
23. 4:42pm: ANY. THING.
24. 4:45pm: You seriously question whether you need to be hospitalized or medicated.
WebMD SAYS I HAVE A TAPEWORM!
25. 4:46pm: BECAUSE THE END IS NIGH AND NOTHING IS FAIR AND LOVE IS LOST.
26. 4:47pm: BLEAK, BLEAK, BLEAK. YOU GIVE IN TO YOUR DESPAIR.
27. 4:50pm: A co-worker shows concern…
28. 4:55pm: But it’s too late for you.
It’s just too late. And it’s just too hard. It’s all too hard.
29. 4:59pm: Because LYFE has put you on one side of the sliding door and the sweet sustenance you crave on the other.
The people will remember you as the Tantalus of your generation.
30. Until dinnertime, that is!
“How was your day, bro?”
“Fine. Normal. Average.”