1. Ang Lee for ‘Life of Pi.’
I did not realize we were taking this movie seriously. IT INVOLVES A 3D TIGER FOR GOD’S SAKE!
2. John Hawks not nominated for ‘The Sessions.’
I’m starting to worry that I’m the only person who saw this film, which would explain a lot.
3. Chloe Sevigny loses to Angelina Morticia Jolie.
CS gave the performance of a life time in ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ (alongside Swank’s equally brilliant acting) while AJ, in ‘Girl, Interrupted’ died her hair blonde and yelled for 2 hours. And then she showed up in a Halloween costume and made out with her brother.
4. Cate Blanchett loses to Jennifer Hudson.
NBD. I mean, it’s not like Blanchett was COMPLETE PERFECTION in ‘Notes on a Scandal’ while an American Idol reject sang a few songs in ‘Dreamgirls.’ Anyone’s acting looks good next to Beyonce’s.
5. Hugh Jackman loses to Daniel Day-Lewis.
Look, I was skeptical at first, too. But this performance is everything.
6. Denzel gets an Oscar for ‘Training Day’ when we all know it should have been for ‘Philedelphia.’
King Kong blah blah blah.
7. Sorry to remind you, but ‘Forrest Gump’ has multiple Oscars.
Losing my will to live here people.
8. ‘Crash’ beats ‘Brokeback Mountain.’
This oddly racist look at racism randomly beat the glorious and profound ‘Brokeback Mountain.’
9. Sandra Bullock wins for ‘The Blind Side.’
Now don’t get me wrong. Getting drunk on white wine and watching this with your mom is a FANTASTIC idea. But it’s certainly not Oscar material.
10. Was someone drunk when they gave Cuba Gooding Jr. an Oscar?
To add insult to injury, he beat William H. Macy for ‘Fargo.’
11. Snubbing Jim Carrey for ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.’
Kate Winslet was rightfully nominated but poor JC got the cold shoulder.
12. Nominating ‘The Help’ or ‘Precious’ for anything ever.
These movies were alarmingly racist and poorly made.
13. No nominations for James McAvoy.
He deserved nominations for both ‘Atonement’ and ‘The Last King of Scotland.’ He also got totally screwed when they billed Forest Whitaker as the ‘star’ when he’s barely in the movie.
14. ‘The Descendants’ losing, like, everything to ‘The Artist.’
Don’t get me wrong, ‘The Artist’ was lovely. But this movie is genuinely brilliant and special.
15. HOW DARE YOU SNUB BABS!
Dear Oscars, kindly go back in time and nominate this perfect woman for Best Director for ‘The Prince of Tides.’ We all know it didn’t happen because patriarchy.
16. Sadly enough, out of the crazy couple that was Baldwin and Basinger, it’s the latter that has an Oscar.
Loving that hood, though. Werk.
17. Gwyneth Paltrow wins Best Actress for ‘Shakespeare in Love.’
Give someone a damn award and before you know it they’re the insanity that is 2013 Gwyneth Paltrow.
18. The entire year of 2001 (excluding ‘In The Bedroom.’
‘LOTR.’ ‘A Beautiful Mind.’ ‘Training Day.’ ‘Monster’s Ball.’ This year was a full blown catastrophe. And they snubbed the shit out of the wonderful ‘In The Bedroom.’
19. Just the fact that ‘Chicago’ happened.
When I think singing and dancing, the first people that come to mind are Richard Gere, Renee Zellweger, and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
20. Naomi Watts loses for ‘21 Grams.’
She’s astounding in this film. I mean, she convinces us she enjoys being around Sean Penn for hours and that should count for something!