The Most Demanding Personal Ad Ever (UPDATED)

Check him out, ladies. Flier taped inside a phone booth in Hell's Kitchen, New York City.

It you're saying "TL;DR," you're really missing some classic prose.

Some of the qualifications "Malik" demands (she MUST be):

• "white or Hispanic; have long blonde or red hair...

• into 3-somes (2 ladies/1 guy) and 4-somes (3 lades/1 guy)...

• Must love hockey (I feel that need, bro)

• "LOVE TO WEAR" brown-shaded thigh-highs & (or) pantyhose...

• PORN STARS R WELCOMED!

• between the ages of 21-55 (well, that's generous, right?)"

He also lists the acceptable nationalities, which include Native-Americans (Apache tribe preferred).

• The lack of spelling mistakes (these types of fliers always have spelling mistakes) sets off my highly-sensitive-from-being-in-NYC-for-25-years bullshit detector (update: he misspelled "marriage," "curvaceous,” and “occasion." So, maybe real?). Could be a piece of performance art. But Malik did leave a phone number on that tab, which Google says is an unlisted cellphone number. No, I didn't call, on the off-chance that he's a serial killer.

None of the tabs were torn off. :(

Poor, love-starved Malik.

UPDATE: Here's Malik flier from two years ago, thanks to reader Shoily K.