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10 Scary Devices From The Past That Should Stay There

Except for maybe the 1900 self-spanker — that had possibilities (#10).

1. 1932: Iron Dynasphere, Car of the Future. “J.H. Purves imagined that…his electrically-driven unicycle would roll like tumbleweeds alongside more conventional vehicles.” Not shown: Purves was decapitated by a delivery truck.

2. Get the FUCK outta here with that Dead Man See-Sawing piece of crap. Just watch my man Vinnie Jones.

3. A head electrocution waiting to happen.

4. Hair perming apparatus, 1920s Germany. Another head electrocution device.

5. Mid 1800s. “Guillaume Duchenne demonstrating the use of electrotherapy. He applied electrodes to the cheeks of a woman to stimulate the facial muscles.” So, facial electrocution waiting to happen.

6. Germany. The “Zello” orthopedic nose former. Fixed the following: Potato Nose, Saddle Nose, Duckbill Nose, Wide Nose, Pointy Nose, Long Nose, Hook Nose, Slant Nose. Yes, but you had to learn to breath only through your mouth for the rest of your life.

7. 1890 “Baby Walker and Protector.” And, with a slight adjustment, a Baby Torturer.

8. “A radio tobacco pipe, which links the pleasure of smoking with listening to the radio.” Germans again. Head electrocutions and face fires.

9. Metabolism measuring device. “Hmm, his reading is zero.”

10. For 1900 men (or women) who had a being-spanked fetish, but no spankers.

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