8 Ways On To How You Win YOU Back.

This is applies to both vaginas and penises.

I’m sure everyone reading this has either gone through a horrific break-up in the past or has recently just parted with an s/o. I’m sorry for your loss. Now wipe off those tears and lets get down to the real business- YOU.

1. Obviously I’m not going to tell you to immediately stop crying like a little bitch but what I will tell you is that you should give yourself a sob grace period. After about two, maybe three, days you need to tell yourself to stop crying so the healing process can really begin. By all means, take longer if need be but ultimately your going to regret wasting so much time and kleenex when you could have been concentrating on what really matters- you.

2. Alcohol. Does. Not. Bring. Him/Her. Back. Take this from experience, alcohol will only fuck shit up even more. Ultimately bringing you to your own demise. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a glass of wine or my favorite, an old fashion but what I am saying is you can’t use alcohol as a dependent to forget whatever fucked up shit happened to you (This applies in all shitty circumstances). It’ll help you avoid that awkward late night phone call or text that you will regret the morning after. If you happen to that lucky bastard not on the receiving end of this post, remember this: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Text/Call/Snapchat/Tweet/Videocall/Vine/Keek and whatever the hell you tech-saavy kids are doing these days.

3. Exercise. No, you don’t need to turn into some crazy gym rat and get all ‘swool’. Take a walk or jog, anything that will get your heart pumping. When you exercise, you release endorphins that make you genuinely feel better. I’m sure you read this in the endless amount of articles out there but seriously, shit works. Get off your ass and get walking. You don’t need to lose weight, just concentrate on making yourself feel better. Feeling better= Happier you. Happier you= WIN.

4. There is always this back and forth argument about whether or not to keep things that remind you of him or her. Some people suggest keeping old belongings but some suggest throwing them in the 8th circle of hell. This is what I think. Keep what you think you can later only know as your own. In the beginning of any break-up EVERYTHING reminds you of them, its the nature of the beast. But please trust me when I say that sooner or later, that movie you guys loved to watch is going to be that movie you love to watch w/ a side of buttery popcorn and that restaurant with the great burger you guys use to frequent is going to be that restaurant with the spectacular burger. Blah blah… but he/she is what made it so special…blah blah. Trust me when I tell you that burger is going to taste exactly the same, maybe even better. On the other hand, don’t keep their actual belongings (i.e. sweaters, shirts, pjs, toothbrush…gross) Throw all that shit in a caldron of fire. BURN BABY, BURN.

If the two of you ended on good terms, I suggest giving everything back. Mail it. Confrontation, even good confrontation, is unhealthy at this point.

5. Don’t Spread It Like Peanut Butter. Boys, this is to you too. We’re all guilty of this one. Going to the bar or club after a bad or good break-up and someone gives you attention. The next thing you know your jumping their bones because somehow you almost feel as though you were back in your relationship. Negative. All sleeping around is going to do is either make you feel even shittier about yourself or potentially give you an STD. Your choice. Is it really worth it? I didn’t think so. Ladies, close your legs. Gentlemen, put it away.

Better idea: Go out and have fun. By all means flirt w/ some cute gals or gents. Just be the intelligent individual you know you are and don’t be a manwhore or slut about it. Think before you wink.

6. Thou Shalt Love Thyself. No, I’m not trying to quote the bible but I am trying to imprint in your mind that no matter what happens, you will always have yourself. So love yourself first. Once you do that, you’ll realize just how much confidence and honesty has been hiding away in that personality of yours. It doesn’t matter how much confidence someone sees in you, what matters is how much confidence you see in yourself.

7. Stay Humble. They broke your heart. They ripped it out. Stomped on it. Spit on it. Broke it. Well, it can be fixed. What can’t be fixed is the way you react. We all know they are some monster that has little to no shits given about how you feel. What makes it worse is the way you react. Yes, I know it hurts but turning into some crazy psycho bitch/dick is only going to make YOU look bad. You need to learn how to stay humble (Again, this applies to all shitty circumstances). You don’t need to show them your the baddest bitch or just how much better you are than them. It’s more than likely they are hurting just as much as you are. You probably don’t believe me when I say that but you need to hear it. Just leave it alone. Appreciate what you have and enjoy it to its full potential. Be grateful and don’t brag. You’re so much better than that.

8. Make Good Choices. Plan. Save. Grow. Learn. Travel. Explore. Do things you’ve always been afraid to do. Explore the world (at least however much your funds allow you to). Learn to consciously save and splurge when appropriate. Chances are all of you reading this are probably old enough to know this: Don’t be stupid. Yup, let that sink in. Okay, good. Now that that’s out of away. Go. Live. Ask questions and find answers.

Now, to answer the burning question that has probably been circulating your mind throughout this entire post- So…uhh…how do I win myself back?

The answer is: You, my friend, have never lost yourself. You just forgot be the person you’ve always wanted to be. The moment you do that, it’ll be smooth sailing from there.

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