1. You’re playing too fast!
Don’t be this guy and lose control before you even get to have any fun.
2. You have a “hunch,” or a “gut instinct!”
THESE WILL BETRAY YOU. THEY ARE VOLCANOES OF MISCHIEF AND MISTAKES.
3. With every kind of betting, there is a precise probability that you will lose!
You can read all you want on gambling, but the fact is it won’t matter. Sorry!
4. You think, The longer I don’t win, the more likely I will!
It’s called the “gambler’s fallacy,” and it’s when you think you’re overdue for a win, and so you keep playing. But the more you do, the more you lose, and then the more you think you’re entitled to a win. Which, ya know, you aren’t.
5. You’re impaired.
Money and beer should be enjoyed separately to avoid near-death experiences.
6. You try to impress people by betting too much!
That girl will be even less interested in you when you take your shirt off and try and bet it.
7. You think losing is a testament of your self-worth.
You think wimps quit after they lose. STOP THINKING WIMPS QUIT AFTER THEY LOSE.
8. Casinos track your movements and personality to encourage you to keep gambling!
They do what’s called “crowd contouring,” which is when they “cater their offerings to specific groups based on animated maps and data analysis that tells them exactly what type of person gambles a certain way, where they’re at in the evening, and what they’re likely wanting to do next.”
9. You always bet on high-profile teams or players!
You’re better off putting your love for your team aside and going with the teams that are most profitable, and/or likely to win.
10. You don’t observe your opponents before you go up against them!
The more you know about your challenger, the better off you are. Take some time before you join the game to watch how they act, play, and (hopefully!) reveal more about their hands than they should.
11. You just haven’t practiced enough!
Since gambling has very little to do with luck, it’s a great idea just to spend time developing your skills.
12. And finally: When you win, you use it as an excuse to keep playing!
Don’t be a dummy! Quit while you’re ahead! If you keep playing, you’re guaranteed to lose what you’ve just won and you will be sad and you’ll feel your life’s purpose drip out of your fingertips.