Why Explaining Bravo’s “Real Housewives” To Your Boyfriend Is Really Difficult

You would think the title says it all, but it’s shocking the number of falsities the Real “Housewives” promotes. Tsk, tsk Bravo.

1. “So she’s a housewife?”

“No, not technically.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean she’s not married and she works outside of the house.”
“So she’s a single working woman.”
“Yes.”
“So why is she on this show…”

“…and what’s wrong with her?”

“Huh?”
“She looks like a barbie doll.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“No.”

“So she’s not married?”

“No. But actually, she just proposed to her jerky boyfriend.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, because she felt empowered.”
“So it’s a feminist show?”
“…”

2. “Is she a housewife?”

“No, but she was once married to a celebrity.”
“Oh, who?”
“Frasier, I think?”
“Does he have a last name?”
“Frasier’s a TV show. The main guy in it.”
“Don’t know him.”

3. “Is she a housewife?”

“No, same deal. Divorced or separated from her sugar daddy.”
“She’s sassy.”
“She’s NE-NE.”
“Huh?”
“Nevermind.”

4. “What about her?”

“She was married. Then got divorced. She just married someone else.”
“Why does she yell so much?”
“She has anger issues.”
“Dayum.”

5. “She seems snotty.”

“She used to be like a duchess or some shit.”
“Duchess of what?”
“Switzerland? Or Denmark? Or somewhere over there.”
“But she’s not married to him anymore?”
“No, she’s divorced.”
“So also not a housewife. Moving on…”

6. “Forever single. She’s going to be forever single.”

“That’s awful. Why would you say that?”
“You’re thinking the same thing.”
“I am not! You don’t know what I’m thinking!.”
“I think I do. It’s her smile. And her face.”
“She’s pretty!”
“She’s pretty in a very single way.”

7. “Is she a housewife?”

“Not anymore. Her husband committed suicide.”
“How?”
“Hanged himself.”
“Brutal. Doesn’t that usually mean he doesn’t want to die, that he just wants to be found?”
“I think that’s pills you’re thinking of.”
“It could be hanging too.”
“Ok bebe, whatever you say.”

8. “She just screams, ‘Money money money.’”

“She used to have money. She lost it all when she got divorced.”
“Did she get to keep the house?”
“OMYGOD, I JUST REALIZED SHE’S NOT EVEN A HOUSE OWNER.”
“So the show is called Real HOUSEWIVES. She doesn’t own a house, and she isn’t a wife?”
“Wow. They should call this show the Real Apartment-Divorcees.”
“Bravo is total bullshit, how has no one else realized this?”
“I think everyone has, but they’re in denial because it’s still so entertaining.”

9. “She looks like Miss Independent.”

“Yup, she’s not a housewife.”
“What does she do?”
“She’s a singer and single working mother.”
“Where’s the baby daddy?”
“They don’t say.”
“Why not? I want to watch that show: Real Baby Daddy’s of Detroit.”

10. “So then what’s her deal? She looks kind of like a rat, but not in a totally bad way I guess.”

“She’s like a journalist. And she was married to a Kennedy or something until he died of cancer.”
“God, that’s dark! So now what, let me guess, she designs purses?”
“No, she’s still a writer and journalist.”
“Respectable. Why is she on this show??”

11. “What about her?”

“I think she was engaged to someone with a boat. That’s all I got. No one actually watches Miami.”

12. “She looks like she would drive a husband CRAZY.”

“Divorced. Just your average ex-child actress.”
“Child actresses always end well. Not.”
“Oh yeah, major mental issues. And drugs.”

13. “Wait, haven’t we already seen her?”

“No, that was Gretchen.”
“Who is she?”
“This is Joanna. She gets crazy drunk, but she’s really hot.”
“She is really hot. No man?”
“She’s on and off with this Russian guy. Or maybe she’s Russian and he’s some kind of Spanish? Or Cuban? Either way, he owns a club, and they always talk about all the sex they aren’t having. It’s kind of surprising actually.”
“Seriously, I’d bang…. never mind.”

14. “Housewife?”

“Not her either.”
“I can see that.”
“She’s a divorcee, but apparently she may or may not have had a three-some.”
“That’s an image no one needs.”

15. “She just looks psycho.”

“Yeah, she is or was a prostitute or something.”
“EW WHY GOD?”
“She caused a lot of drama on New Jersey.”
“Disgusting.”

“MY EYES MY EYES. STOP!”

16. “Housewife?”

“She was married to a doctor. But they broke up.”
“Why?”
“Who knows, they fought all the time.”
“Does that mean we’re going to break up?”
“Shut up.”

17. “Housewife?”

“Never married. She was Miss America. Or Miss USA. Whichever’s the trashier one.”
“Is she dating?”
“Not really.”
“So how is she interesting?”
“She’s not interesting at all, actually.”

18. “She has to be a housewife. She looks like she’s had work done.”

“Noooo, she got married at the top of a snowy mountain in one episode? But that lasted like two weeks, so she’s single again.”
“What the fuck, are there any housewives on these shows?”
“A sprinkling.”

19. “IN GOD’S HOLY NAME, WHAT THE DEVIL IS THAT”

“Yeah, she somehow fits onto the show…”

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