1. “I’ll worry about parking when I get there.”
Reality: Worry about it now because there AIN’T GONNA BE ANY PARKING.
2. “I know what to do during an earthquake.”
Reality: “HOLY FUCK IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE?!?!! WHAT DO I DO?!?!?@!@#@!#@”
3. “I’ll start the [insert ridiculous juice cleanse and/or diet] tomorrow.”
Reality: It will always be “tomorrow.” The power of gluten is both satanic and irresistible.
4. “There shouldn’t be much traffic at this time of day.”
Reality: THERE’S ALWAYS TRAFFIC.
5. “It totally looks like it’s gonna rain!”
Reality: NOPE. Just smog.
6. “I’ll be there in 20 minutes!”
Reality: Marina del Rey at this hour? Stuart, not on your life.
7. “I’ll wake up to move my car before street cleaning.”
Reality: You’ll wake up to another parking ticket.
8. “This shortcut is going to cut my driving time IN HALF.”
Reality: Doubled your driving time.
9. “The beach is going to be so relaxing today.”
10. “Runyon shouldn’t be too crowded right now.”
Reality: I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR DAMN DOGS.
11. “I’m going to start buying my coffee from only local cafes.”
Reality: Your Starbucks triple, venti, half sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato is calling.
12. “I think I’ll go for a run today.”
Reality: HELL NO. IT’S HOT AND POLLUTED.
13. “In-N-Out should be a quick lunch.”
Reality: Shorter lines at Disneyland.
14. “I’m going to watch my carbon footprint and take the subway.”
Reality: You’re not about to give up the convenience of your car to learn confusing subway routes.
15. “It’s so warm out today, I won’t need a jacket.”
Reality: Until the sun goes down and you need your North Face.
16. “I only buy food from Trader Joe’s. I’m so healthy.”
Reality: Two words: Cookie Butter.
17. “My car is so shitty.”
Reality: Just because it’s not a Tesla, THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR 2014 NISSAN ALTIMA.
18. “This wheatgrass shot will fill me up for lunch.”
Reality: Fuck the juice cleanse, YOU NEED PIZZA.
19. “I should buy warm clothes for the winter.”
Reality: Oops, still 72 and sunny.
20. “I know my way around, I don’t need my GPS anymore.”
Reality: “How the fuck did I end up in Koreatown?”
21. “OMG I JUST SAW BRITNEY SPEARS!”
Reality: Nope. Just a “Real Housewife” of Beverly Hills. (But still meltdown-worthy).
- Israeli officials have authorized police to seal off parts of Jerusalem after a wave of stabbings by Palestinians. ›
- The U.S. Democratic presidential candidates had their first debate of the 2016 election cycle on Tuesday night ?? ›
- The Chicago Cubs have defeated the St. Louis Cardinals to advance to the National League Championship Series ⚾️ ›