Sure, New York City is famous for its “human” fashions. But the true epicenter of New York’s fashion scene is none other than the momentous occasion of The New York Pet Fashion Show, center to the world’s highest fashions. And also lots of dogs in dresses raising money for Mayor’s Alliance for NYC’s Animals. Here is what we learned:
1. New York Pet Fashion Show Rule Number One: You only get one entrance, so you better WORK it.
This isn’t some hokey-pokey Paris runway hoedown. This is the New York Pet Fashion Show — the most venerable of all pet fashion shows — really the only pet fashion show that matters in the entire world. You think you’re just gonna WALK through the front door? NO. You wanna turn heads? You better sit your furry ass in a stroller throne, drape yourself in the finest velvets and golds, and slap on that crown. You are a queen amongst queens. And you have arrived.
2. New York Pet Fashion Show is no place for nerves, so leave them in the elevator.
Of course nerves are high. It’s New York’s hottest fashion show. But you gotta be on your game at all times. Once those elevator doors open, you’re ON.
3. The right backdrop is always essential for the perfect pose.
Guess what? This dog brought her own damn throne. You want people to take you seriously? You better not walk onto a red carpet and expect people to just throw a throne at you. Bring your own royal seat and then WORK IT.
4. Matching fashions are basically obligatory.
How are we supposed to know how fabulous each dog is if their human isn’t also dressed as fabulously?
5. Everyone is royalty and should be treated as such.
It is proper to refer to any and all models you encounter as “Your Royal Highness,” and any designation less than that is considered offensive.
6. Two is always better than one.
Look, one dog in a tiny sequined jacket and top hat is cute. But TWO dogs in a tiny sequined jacket and top hat? Perfection.
7. Frenemies are REAL.
Sure, they’re smiling. They’re looking at one another in the face. They’re like “Hey, look at us, look at how we’re getting along.” But deep down, these two are channeling some fierce Naomi-Tyra supermodel disdain. And we are LIVING FOR IT.
8. The best carriages demand respect.
Looking your absolute best isn’t enough. A fancy couture gown will only get you so far. But these two knew how to demand attention: Sit in a fluffy carriage and surround yourself in flashing lights. BOOM. You’re now the center of attention.
9. And so do the most lavish headdresses.
Nobody’s gonna turn their heads for a dog with a bare noggin. Slap some feathers and bows on the scalp if you want to attract the cameras, honey.
10. Crowns are accessory number one.
Okay, sure, we’re all looking for a nice headdress here and there. But NOTHING says, “Look at me. I’m a dog at a fashion show.” quite like a jeweled crown.
Crown Tip 1: The wearer of a crown should always hold his head high above his shoulders, to ensure that all his subjects may see him in his glory.
Crown Rule 2: A dog wearing a crown should consider all who look at her to be unworthy of gazing upon her crownéd head.
Crown Tip 3: A crown allows its wearer to do whatever the hell he wants, because he is wearing the crown.
11. In the absence of a crown, a fabulous hat may act as a replacement.
Sure, a crown demands respect. A crown sparkles. And a crown is a crown. BUT. Hats are fluffy and you can stick feathers in them and also you can make them match your outfit. So, there’s that.
12. A beautiful turban will always suffice.
Although turban droopiness may occur.
13. A proper fur collar can make any fashion pop.
If a bare head is unavoidable, might as well accentuate the neckline with some extra fur.
14. Fashion cannot be too extreme.
Look at this dog. Look at her. Her name is Aspen. She is wearing a powdered wig and a golden flower and a pink little feather and a ruffly royal couture gown. Literally try and get on Aspen’s level.
15. A dress can never be too long.
The longer the dress, the closer to Jesus. As they say.
16. Fashion is much more than what you wear.
Look, this dog could have just come in with her little crown and scepter and been like, “Hey, guys. Look at me. I am here now. Look at my fashion.” But no. She DROVE in. She drove in on a royal carriage draped in the finest velvets and golds, rolling past her royal subjects and looking down on their pathetic lives outside of her royal carriage. That. That attitude. THAT is fashion.
17. Always be ready to strike a pose.
There are cameras everywhere and they are prepared to catch every model in her most vulnerable state.
18. No detail is too small.
Look at these little pink nails and these delicate pearls. This is the kind of pet fashion that says, “I took the time to not look like shit today.”
19. GIVE THEM FACE.
Fashion isn’t about clothes. It’s about ATTITUDE. This is a face that says “I am fashion” and also “I may have eaten most or all of the rug on the bathroom floor.”
20. The right accessories can otherwise make up for general nudity.
As any fashion expert knows, high fashion is an art, and the body is a beautiful artistic instrument. Sometimes, a little jewels around the ankles are all that you need.
21. Things that light up are always better than things that do not light up.
Sure, you can wear something lame like a regular dress that doesn’t have lights in it. But that’s not fashion.
22. Expect those around you to bow down to your greatness.
Light-up dress = greatness. Always.
Especially if you’re packing something as powerful as this:
23. An entire light-up dress is better than a dress that just lights up a little.
24. When a light-up dress is unavailable, a light-up visor is a vital accessory.
This dog can’t even be bothered to look at your basic face. That’s how powerful this fashion statement is.
25. When in doubt, just go ahead and wear a picture of yourself.
The most appropriate thing to put on a dress is ALWAYS an image of it’s wearer. Also: animated butterflies fluttering about the wearer’s face.
26. While not encouraged, stank-eyeing fellow fashionistas is basically essential fashion show behavior.
Give em FACE.
Grade A, Optimal Stink Eye:
27. Pretend like you’re “above it all” to really piss people off.
Grade A, Optimal Above-It-All-ness:
28. The best fashions are the ones that have enough fabric to cover a small island nation.
Whenever you think you have enough dress, you are wrong. There can always be more dress. Fashion demands more. Fashion is hungry.
29. All the models gotta eat, and their food looks delicious.
This is dog food. Dogs eat this instead of humans, because dog models are better than us.
30. It’s totally acceptable to show off a dress by being thrust into the air Simba-style.
Sure, this dog could’ve just walked down the runway like some sort of fashion commoner. But no. True fashionistas don’t display themselves. They are displayed.
31. Even audience dogs are expected to be serving fashion realness at all times.
If you think the runway is the only place for fashion, you’re wrong and clearly don’t know anything about dog fashion and this is why you need to learn. Learn from this dog, who’s looking just as fabulous in an audience chair as any of the runway fashionistas. This is fashion.
32. When you’re actually on the runway, you better WORK.
This is a fashion show, after all. The runway is the center. It is the core of The New York Pet Fashion Show. It is LIFE.
33. On or off the runway, it’s never acceptable to bring anything less than your most outrageous look.
This dog’s hair is dyed with all-natural beet juice. And she is fabulous and smells like beets and her entire life is probably full of joy and fun. This is the spirit of The New York Pet Fashion Show.
34. Always have fun.
Beet dog’s face can hardly contain the fun.