The Ultimate Ranking Of The Planets, Based On Sexiness

A ranking based on the content of their scientific character, not their mythological namesakes. posted on

9. Neptune

Listen, I like Neptune as much as the next person but all Neptune really has going for him is that he has a band of minor planets hanging around called “Neptune trojans” so you can rest assure that he’s always safe. Neptune is the kind of guy who complains about constantly being in the “friendzone” which almost makes him not make the list at all.

Pro: STD free
Con: Uses the term “friendzone”

8. Pluto

Yes, I know she’s no longer a planet but she deserves a place on this list because she deceived us for so long. Basically, she gave us a twist at the end of the romantic novel that was our 90’s science classes and I respect her for that. Also she stays AWAY from Neptune which just shows good sense.

Pro: Mysterious
Con: Not actually a planet

7. Uranus

Uranus is just too obvious of a choice to put any higher up in this list. Yes, he’s always on his side, asking for sex, but he has an extremely cold core and emits very little heat. Just not hot enough.

Pro: Name is Uranus.
Con: Name is Uranus.

6. Mars

Mars is a great guy, he’s usually there in the sky when you want to say hey but he’s made up of carbon dioxide and that’s just not so cool. Plus, his red appearance is deceiving: it’s NOT because he’s red-hot but just full of iron. Like, cool, I can get that from some broccoli. Not even the curve of this planet’s valleys can redeem that.

Pro: Real nice guy.
Con: Too reliant on his iron content to attract people.

5. Mercury

This was an extremely difficult decision. Mercury is actually really sexy, with the 2nd highest temperature of our solar system. His peak hours are morning and twilight, so he’s really always ready to go. And don’t get me started on those lobed ridges and rupes. HOWEVER, Mercury loses major points for going in retrograde and messing everyone’s lives up. This kind of erratic behavior can be sexy but I’m here to put a stop to that madness. Treat people better, Mercury, and you can be higher on this list.

Pro: Lobed; sexy peak hours
Con: Kind of dick

4. Saturn

NOW we’re getting somewhere sexy. Saturn is the least dense of them all and has those RINGS. Like damn. Sometimes the sexiest things are what make you stand out and Saturn HAS it. Plus, the small ice and rock particles make are nothing compared to her solid, round figure.

Pro: Stand-out appearance.
Con: Have to get through her cold exterior.

3. Jupiter

Oh man, Jupiter. The sonnets we should continue to write about you. Jupiter has a sexy beauty mark a la Marilyn Monroe and packs some serious sexy in the mass department. The only way to properly describe this is a quote of folklore: he’s a “brick HOUSE, [he’s] mighty mightay, just lettin’ it all hang out.”

Pro: Basically the definition of Sexy.
Con: No con, just not as sexy as the next two.

2. Earth

It was a tough decision not putting earth first. But nepotism is unbecoming. Either way, you have to give it to Earth for being pretty freakin’ sexy. Being “down to earth” is basically the best quality in a partner and GUESS WHAT, she invented it. Also, she’s extremely fertile which whatever as far as conceptual sexiness but you know those pheromones are out of this world. Except in this world because I’m guessing you are reading this ON HER.

Pro: Show some respect!
Con: Nepotism.

1. Finally…the sexiest of them all: Venus.

Oh my dear lord, Venus is one sexy beast of a planet. First, she is actually the hottest of them all (752 degrees Fahrenheit!). Sure, it’s from gasses but we can look past that because she has no natural satellites which means no extra baggage. Plus, she is “replenished by volcanic eruptions”. You do the math.

Pro: LOOK AT HER.
Con: TOO SEXY.

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