1. Typically the idea of dieting comes to you when you’re plagued with insomnia at 3 in the morning.
2. While you’re contemplating what fingers are, what time is and why we exist…suddenly a wave of inspiration hits you and it’s like “I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and go for a jog after I eat *insert healthy breakfast option*.”
On that note, you fall asleep dreaming about the food you get to eat the next morning. A GREAT start to your diet.
3. First things first, you sleep through your alarm and end up waking up at 10:00 instead.
Ugh, you’re so tired because you stayed up so late. It’s really not healthy to go on a jog when you didn’t sleep a certain amount of hours. Pretty sure I read that somewhere.
4. So you go to your fridge to make your healthy breakfast and because you chose to be healthy last night, your fridge is late to get the memo.
With nothing to eat but condiments, you figure that since it’s not 10:30 yet, you can make it to the nearest McDonald’s/Chick Fil A in time to order breakfast! WOO. Still a win.
5. So as you sit in your car eating your breakfast because you couldn’t possibly wait until you got home to eat the deliciousness, you start thinking about lunch and what you’re going to have.
Another great start to your diet.
6. When you get home and have finally showered and gotten completely ready for the day, you realize you’re hungry again but you don’t have any food. Time to go to the grocery store!
7. Once you get to the store, you literally buy everything that looks good…because you’re hungry.
Man! Even I could’ve told you you’re not supposed to grocery shop on an empty stomach.
8. The good news is that you basically grabbed one of everything in the produce section, including some mint and basil leaves as well as other spices that you don’t know how to cook. They looked healthy!
9. As you unload your groceries in between bites of the microwavable meal you bought for lunch (let’s face it, you were famished), you realized that you don’t really have enough of anything to make a full meal.
10. So you look up recipes online to see what you can make with a butternut squash, tofurkey (which you’ve never had before) and a few other “healthy” looking things while simultaneously watching the Food Network and eating a snack.
11. Later on while you’re eating dinner, a sandwich with tofurkey on wheat bread and a celery stick on the side, you browse tumblr on your computer because if you’re going to be miserable eating dinner you might as well have something pleasant to do.
12. Unfortunately, you follow a lot of food blogs on tumblr and all you want is a cookie.
Ya know what? I mean, you might as well have a cookie or five anyway since you didn’t really have a healthy breakfast or lunch. You weren’t ready today, I’ll start tomorrow.