1. Crocodile Dundee
“Everything you’ve heard is true,” he’ll say. “We ride to work on Kangaroos. Though I’m broke right now so I had to trade mine in for an Emu. The dingo is the national pet and we only eat food that we hunt and kill ourselves”. This traveler is tired of correcting cultural cliches so now he just rolls with it. Likely to invoke the existence of The Dropbear.
2. The bogan
He sports a Southern Cross tattoo. He only drinks VB or Bundy Rum. He even brought his own bottle with him because no overseas bar stocks it. Wears the Australian flag like a cape. Likes nothing else but to get drunk and fight. Will only travel to countries that have an Outback bar where he can watch The Game.
3. The beach bum
Lives in his board shorts, loves to start and end the day with a surf and will gladly teach you how, it’s not hard, eh? Lives near the beach and can’t get through the day without feeling the sand through his toes. Balance is important not just for surfing but for life. Loves beach cricket and some beers. Has Pete Murray playing on loop on his beach radio. Maybe a BBQ if you’re lucky. The beach bum has the lay of the land and will be your ticket to the summer scene. And you’ll always have somewhere to crash if you ever get to Australia.
4. The budgie smuggler
Refuses to get with the times and buy a pair of board shorts, the budgie smuggler proudly swaggers across the beach in nothing but a pair of tight briefs which leave nothing to the imagination. Most common amongst middle-aged men who have already been spending too much time in the sun. The trademark of Prime Minister Tony Abbott, the budgie smuggler has unfortunately come back into fashion
5. The oompa loompa
Skin like leather, the Oompa Loompas’ first priority is achieving the ultimate tan. Spends a quarter of their salary on fake tan. Will only be seen at the most exclusive clubs.
6. The aging hippie
Deeply spiritual she hails from Byron Bay but left after the place became gentrified. She and her ilk were pushed out to the fringe by tourists temporarily escaping the 9-5 hustle bustle and replacing it with vacations involving meditation, pot-smoking and drum circles. The saffron oil she wears can be detected a mile away. Likely to be wearing tie-dye and ankles and wrists are adorned with woven bracelets she made herself. Prefers an organic and slow-paced lifestyle. Has a fondness for Combi vans. Annoyed by tourists that practice the “faux hippie” lifestyle. To be a true hippie takes commitment
7. The hipster
Adapts the most convenient styles of the ageing hippie but does it “ironically”. Practices yoga and veganism but has no idea the clothes he wears were probably made by children. Works a 9-5 job for a major corporation but spends weekends at music festivals and full moon festivals. The hipster gets a hard time from everyone and is criticised universally for being spoon-fed pre-packaged cultural livelihood by canny marketers, but the hipster is just trying to find him or herself just like everyone else. Massively over-educated the hipster can be misunderstood as being arrogant, but really was born into a lifestyle of privilege but graduated into a recession. Doesn’t understand why no one sees the irony that most criticisms come from the former generation of hippies they were told changed society, only to give it all up for a white picket fence they can’t afford. Be nice to the hipster. You might just learn something.
8. The bondi babe
Loves overseas travel but refuses to leave his suburb of Bondi when he’s at home and his only friends are other people that live in Bondi. Will spend hours trying to explain why Bondi is so amazing. Likely to complain about over-crowding and tourists. His three most valued possessions are his guitar, his surfboard and his dog. Only drinks at one of three pubs. Doesn’t understand why anyone would leave Bondi.
9. The country kid
Quiet and soft-spoken the country boy or girl loves nothing more than a big bonfire with close friends. Struggles in crowds and could never live in The Big Smoke because there are too many people. Regales people with tales of home. Having grown up on a farm, the country kid knows the meaning of hard work. Having come from a small town where everyone knows each other the country kid knows how to keep a secret. Knows how to take care of his or herself and can probably teach you how to ride a horse and milk a cow. The country kid is a great person to befriend because she can teach you about a side of Australia few get to see.
10. The city slicker
Coffee is the most important meal of the day. Complains a lot about Australia’s “nanny state” and lack of efficiency and wishes it could be more like New York or London because “those guys” know how to do public transport properly”. Loves living overseas because unlike Australia, everything stays open late. On the upside the city slicker is always up for a party but will spend the entire trip comparing everything to Australia.
11. The sports fan
Hasn’t missed an Olympics opening ceremony for 10 years, but asserts (correctly) that nothing compares to Sydney’s 2000 Olympics. AFL is his religion and he plans his trip around the availability of sports bars overseas that broadcasts the game. Sneers at those who think Rugby League and Rugby Union are the same. A proud Tigers fan, his mood is tempered by whether the Tigez won or lost. Do not try to approach the sports fan while the game is on and whatever you do, don’t touch him.
12. The cultural cringer
Despises everything about “Australian culture”. Thinks patriotism is racist. Takes things a bit too seriously. Spends a lot of time earnestly explaining that “not all Aussies are like that, I swear” to everyone that asks about Dundee. Likes to quote former Prime Minister Paul Keating who claimed Australia was “the arse end of the world”. Seriously needs to chill out.
13. The potty mouth
Note: All Australians*. Calls his mates c***s and strangers mate. You know he’s your friend because he takes the piss out of you. All the time. If he’s being polite it’s time to be worried. Easily misunderstood, particularly when overseas. Learn to roll with the punches and you’ll get along just fine.
14. The historian
The historian believes that Australia’s monuments should be appreciated not just for their beauty but for their history. He’ll tell you how the Sydney Opera House almost didn’t get built after conservative politicians ran its architect out of the country, never to return to see his dream fulfilled by a panel of bureaucrats. He can tell you when the Sydney Harbour Bridge was built, (July 1923 - January 1932) or why the nation’s capital sits in the middle of Melbourne & Sydney. (Because it was a compromise reached after the rival capital cities of New South Wales & Victoria couldn’t decide who should get it).
The historian makes an effort to know a lot about whatever country he is visiting and makes for an excellent tour guide than can provide far better information than any guide on a hop-on-hop-off bus tour. A good one to keep around.
15. The chameleon
Traveled to London for six weeks and declared himself a local, the chameleon picks up the national accent the minute his feet hit the tarmac. Causes resentment among real locals that feel like it’s too soon to be ingratiating himself in that way. Others just think he’s mocking their accent. The chameleon is an incredibly social creature that has the excellent ability to fit in anywhere, but he usually ends up making more enemies than friends. Give the chameleon a break, he’s only trying to empathize with a new culture. Sure, he goes over the top but at least he makes the effort.
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