WASHINGTON — Cat nation’s war on water continues to fuel controversy. Today The Pawtagon released another statemeow on the current allocation of resources dedicated to researching “how much is too much” water. Another 100 hours of naps per year are to be repurposed to water research, much to the consternation of cats everywhere.
It’s a debate that has been raging in the cat community for decades — a seemingly idle threat that terrifies the average cat, despite needing small quantities for sustenance. Groups against the continued experimentation with water and water-like substances are outraged at the continued budget expenditure. Upon hearing the mews, several organizations have called for a massive day of pawtest to be held in cities across the country.
Some extremist groups, like The Cats Against Too Much Existence Of Water (CATMEOW) have been waging an active campaign for the eradication of water from every household for nearly two decades. “It’s absurd” they said in a recent e-meow correspondence, “that we continue to allow this demon substance to fall from the sky. We’re a domesticated society. We’re not sabertooth tigers.”
The Government has largely ignored their cries, opting for a more neutered position on the issue. Defense Secretary Jonathan “Mr. Tufty” Crowne urged cats everywhere to “trust in our continued effort to uncover the truth about water.” “It’s not normal’ he said, addressing the members of the press. “To not leap incredibly fast and far away from being covered in water. But the fact remains that we need it to survive, and we don’t know why.”
Some pro-water voices have emerged, including but not limited to the Outdoor Cat Legion, and Strays Anonymous. Such organizations claim that prolonged exposure to water doesn’t leave any permanent damage to fur density or ability to leap from pieces of furniture, although no hard evidence has been presented to support these claims. A study conducted in 2008 by the Meowo Clinic proved inconclusive, with five out of ten cats exposed to large amounts of distilled water still able to make it to the top of the fridge, and five failing and falling comically back to the ground.
In a recent appearance on Cat Mews Network, noted political activist Tabbie Hoffman weighed in on the issue, stating “we can’t just let this stuff keep terrorizing our kittens. Humans cover themselves in it constantly, and we don’t want to start acting like them, do we? I mean, it’s like they’re made of this stuff.”