The jokes are shit. #cpc13
David Cameron made his keynote speech at the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester this morning. He made the unsurprising announcement that the Tories are after a majority government in the next election, yet made no mention of new policies.
To save you losing 50 minutes of your life, here are the five key things you need to know from his speech. (You’re welcome.)
1. He wants Ed Miliband to keep his shirt on
Cameron remarked that if you had seen the photos of him with his shirt off on the beach this summer, you’ll know he’s “got the stomach for the fight”. He continued his attack on Labour by saying that as Ed Miliband had promised he’d never take his shirt off in public, Cameron would cut him a deal: “You keep your shirt on, I’ll keep the lights on.”
The Tories thought this was hilarious. Others, well, not so much.
2. He wants Scotland to stay in the UK
“From us here in this hall, from me, from this party, from this country, from England, Wales, Northern Ireland and it’s this: We want you to stay.”
You hear that, Scotland? He wants you to stay.
3. He seriously still loves Margaret Thatcher
As if all of the Maggie memorabilia available at the conference wasn’t enough to go by, David Cameron loves him some Maggie. He shared a story of a time they had dinner together (oh, to be a fly on the wall) and he paid tribute to Thatcher by saying she was “the greatest peace-time Prime Minister our country has ever had.” Awwww.
Just a selection of the Maggie swag available at the Conservative Party Conference 2013.
4. Under the Tories, the UK will be “The Land of Opportunity”
“The Land of Opportunity” he called it, “The Land of Hope”. He said this Land of Opportunity starts with the economy, is “for everyone” and means “educating our children”. While that all sounds very promising, for some the “land of opportunity” means something entirely different:
5. He wants you to own your own home.
Cameron is going to do young folks of Britain a solid by helping them to buy their first home with his Help To Buy scheme. He said Generation Y was becoming “Generation Why Bother” when it came to home ownership, and he provided a positively charming (and 100% true) anecdote about a young couple he’d met called Emily and James.
You see, Emily and James couldn’t afford a deposit for a mortgage because they “didn’t have rich parents”, but were able to own their own home thanks to the Tories! In fact, Emily and James were so excited about their new home, Cameron said they even bought a lawn mower even before their had a garden! Isn’t that just heart warming?!