12 Things That Make Gluten-Free People Sad

Gluten is the enemy, Celiacs. Stay strong.

1. Croutons

Any Celiac will tell you that Croutons are the DEVIL. They are EVERYWHERE and no matter how many times you tell your server that you can’t have them in the one salad you’re allowed to eat on the menu, you’re almost guaranteed to be given a crouton infested salad. Then you have the awkward task of sending it back and explaining that you can’t just “pick them out.” They are an infectious epidemic. Stay strong Celiacs.

2. Beer

Speaking as a legal 21-year-old, even us Celiacs like to get our party on. Unfortunately, beer is an evil barley-filled beverage that could send us hurling over the toilet for other reasons than expected. Wether it’s beer pong or chandeliers, we are sent off in the corner to watch the festivities. If that pong ball goes in your cup and then mine, my delicious and overpriced Hard Apple Cider has been CONTAMINATED and I could totally DIE! (Die, get a tummy ache, whatever…)

3. Menus

The excitement a celiac feels when we find out a restaurant has a gluten-free menu is immediately diminished when we see it’s just a shrunken down version of their regular menu. AND every side dish, sauce, or delicious food embellishment our meal comes with is not gluten-free and we end up staring at a piece of broiled chicken breast on a plate. Maybe some steamed broccoli on the side if we’re super lucky. YUM!

4. Buns

Hot dog and hamburger buns make any Celiac barbeque attendee super sad. How fluffy and delicious do those buns look? How cozy would that wiener be submerged in that doughy goodness? Not only are we taking our burgers and dogs in the nude, we also need to find a fork and knife to awkwardly eat them with. Now we look like pretentious, calorie-counting weirdos. Don’t hate us—we’re just jealous of your buns.

5. Grilled Chicken Caesar Salads

While we are thrilled that we have the grilled chicken caesar salad safety net on almost every restaurant menu, it gets a bit depressing how many we’ve eaten in our lives. We’ve eaten so many that we have a mental ranking of the best Caesar dressings in a 10 mile radius (Outback Steakhouse is my #1 if you’re curious).

6. Oprah

A few years back Oprah announced that she was going on a gluten-free diet. Clearly the word diet has confused her. She does not have celiac disease or gluten intolerance, she lives under some delusion that going GF will help her lose weight. It won’t. Stop treating a serious disease like your next weight-loss fad, Oprah, it makes us sad.

7. Pizza Parties

It’s not just a party guys, it’s a PIZZA party. And you’re the fool with the brown paper bag and a turkey sandwich that’s gonna stick out like a sore, gluten-free, thumb. Hey, at least you know all pizza parties come with soda, so you know, you have that to look forward to…

8. Other People’s Birthdays

Everybody loves birthdays. Birthdays come with cake. Cake baked with so much flour it makes you want to cry. But chins up my gluten-free comrades, you’ll have your own birthday sooner or later (probably in the next year or so) and you can bake your best rendition of a gluten-free impostor cake. Happy Birthday!

9. Cereal

Can we begin with the knowledge that Gluten-free Honey Nut Chex will never quite live up to Honey Nut Cheerios? It’s super sad, guys. Also try to hold back your tears because the irony of CORN Pops not being GF is almost too difficult to handle. They’re made of CORN people! They should be called Dishonest Pops.

10. LIARS

Don’t tell me those tortilla chips are made of corn if they’re made of flour because I just ate a whole bowl of them and spent the rest of the night projectile vomiting. And yes, I’m sure it wasn’t the pitcher of margaritas you also served me to wash them down that made me sick…it was totally the chips…

11. Toasters

It’s not bad enough that every GF bread or bagel starts frozen, needs to be defrosted, and then needs be toasted to even closely resemble normal food, BUT toasters are dangerous war zones that need to be scrubbed down thoroughly before every use so your real bread crumbs don’t hop on my food and try to KILL ME. Arm yourselves with aluminum foil, Celiacs.

12. Stupid Questions

There’s the classic, “What happens if your boyfriend eats bread and then you kiss him?” question. I probably drop dead, you fool. I had a friend once ask me if “burn” had gluten in it. If it’s burned gluten then yes, yes it does.

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