51 Thoughts Everyone Has When They Start A Diet

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, my ass.

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Day 1:


1. Alright, this is going to be great.
2. I’m going to feel good, eat clean, and get back into the swing of healthy eating.
3. It takes 21 days to form a habit. I can do this.
4. Got my strawberries and some green tea.
5. This tastes pretty good. I already feel better.
6. Watch out, bubbling fat. Prepared to get obliterated.
7. I’m not even hungry.
8. This is so easy. I don’t even know why people get all upset about it.
9. Man, look at that jelly doughnut on Martha’s desk, though.
10. Stay focused. Psh, you don’t need it. You got this.
11. Oh god, look at the icing flake off as she takes a bite.

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12. Keep it together! It’s been one hour.
13. It’s getting kind of hot in here.
14. I wonder if anyone else feels absurdly warm.
15. Great, I’m pitting out. Awesome.
16. Maybe my body is just releasing all the toxins from within.
17. Yeah…this diet must be working.
18. Time feels like it’s going absurdly slowly.
19. I wonder where people are going for lunch today.
20. Well, I can’t have it anyway.
21. DAMMIT, they’re getting Chinese?!

22. Great. They decided to bring it back.
23. Its tempting me with MSG goodness.
24. Here it comes, like the love of my life that got away.
25. I guess I’ll just have my celery snack.
26. I really wish I could lather this in cookie butter, roll it in breading, and deep-fry it.
27. Celery. What a sad excuse for a food.
28. At least I’m getting some fiber in.
29. Oh, come on down, Martha, and set your plate of orange chicken right in front of me.
30. Might as well start playing some Maroon 5 because I…am in misery.
31. I hate everything about this day.
32. Is anyone else feeling extremely angry right now?!
33. I feel an inexplicable rage coming from within me.

34. This is so stupid. Life is stupid.
35. I’M SO HUNGRY. It’s like my stomach is slowly eating itself and I just have to sit here and take it.
36. I have no joy anymore.
37. I’ve made a huge mistake.
38. This isn’t a diet. It’s some sick form of torture.
39. Who eats vegetables for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
40. Who gets happiness out of eating like this?
41. This isn’t what life is supposed to be like. This is my nightmare.
42. Oh, look, it’s Martha’s birthday. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY, MARTHA.
43. Oh, that’s rich. Cake and cookies?

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44. I mean, one small cheat wouldn’t be bad, right?
45. I haven’t had a carb in over eight hours. I should reward myself.
46. Whoever said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” is a sick, sick human being.
47. They’ve obviously never had cookie butter.
48. I gotta get out of here. The walls are closing in.
49. I am irritable, lightheaded, and have beads of sweat outlining my forehead.
50. I just gotta get home, make my dinner, and regroup.
51. Yeah, that’ll work.

Day 2:

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