Five Guys You Meet At Gay Bars

A handy guide to the many types of men you’ll meet at gay bars. Print one out and play along at your local meat market!

1. The Black guy

DESCRIPTION: Who is he? he stands out in this vast sea of whiteness because he’s the only black person there. He’s here because his friends have pressured him to go out, and he’s trying really hard to like the extended version of the DanceDown Groove of that Kesha song. He hopes that no one will think he’s Jamie Foxx, and he is praying that the next Beyoncé song won’t be a remix.

WHAT HE’LL TALK ABOUT: Scandal.

CONS: You’ll probably call him “chocolate.”
PROS: He will pretend not to be offended.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND HIM : Let’s be honest, he’s pretty easy to spot.

2. The Clone(s)

DESCRIPTION: He has blond/brunette/strawberry hair. He’s wearing a tank top, because everyone is wearing tank tops, at least until fall when they go back to scoop neck tees. Maybe he’ll try a western thing this season. Is that too Brokeback?

What he’ll talk about: His bowling/dodgeball/softball/kickball/hambone/ league. They’re called the Marla Hooches, and his position is Top Bottom of Left Field.

CONS: It’s hard to remember his name(Sean? Seth? Matt? Alex?)
PROS: You can always find another one.

WHERE YOU’LL FIND HIM: EVERYWHERE.

3. The Child Rapist

 

DESCRIPTIONHe’s fifty, came out late in life, and is making up for all those years of repression by targeting the tween market. He’s looking for that sandy-haired brunette whose jock-strap he has been saving since middle school. Either that or Justin Bieber.

WHAT HE’LL TALK ABOUT: His house in the hills, or something cool like Facebox. Or Two Directions.

PROS: He’s probably rich
CONS: Isn’t that a felony?

WHERE YOU’LL FIND HIM : Perfecting his roofie-colada at Rage on a Friday*.

*Los Angeles Only

4. The Straight Man Who Needs you to Pay Attention to Him

 

DESCRIPTIONHe just went through a breakup and his gay friend has decided to take him out on the town for a good rabble rousing. He’s drinking beer, he’s wearing a baseball cap, and he’s letting you flirt with him because God damn it, that bitch can’t be right about everything. Two more beers, and he might make out with you.

WHAT HE’LL TALK ABOUT: Sports (Prepare by googling the words “sports” and “team”) And that bitch.

PROS: You flipped one. THAT’S TEN GAY POINTS.
CONS: He might cry afterwards, but is that really a con?

5. Ladies’ Bonus: The Guy You Were in Love With from Ages 13-17, Inclusive

DESCRIPTION: Wait, is that you? After all those years of flag-twirling and pole vaulting, you’ve discovered that Andy actually does love to twirl on poles. He avoids you at first, but once you’ve made eye contact several times and done your school cheer, he’ll come over to talk to you. He’s happy to see you. Really. He promises, but must we Instagram this?

WHAT YOU’LL TALK ABOUT: That one guy in your class who was super hot whose name neither of you can remember, and his eyes. His dreamy, dreamy eyes.

PROS: It’s a free high school reunion.
CONS: You will never be Mrs. Jason Steinfeld.

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