1. Sleep with one eye open.
Impending alien abduction or not, it’s never a bad idea to snooze with sandbags tied to your feet.
2. Always be aware of your surroundings.
One minute you’re tipping the barista for your Venti Salted Caramel No Whip Frappuccino, the next you’re literally eye-to-eye with a Xenomorph. HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM SCI-FI MOVIES.
3. And always expect surprise attacks.
The question isn’t if an alien’s going to sear your face off with flesh-melting acid, it’s when an alien’s gonna sear your face off with flesh-melting acid.
4. Trust no one.
Remember, folks: “Paranoid” is just another way to say “prepared.”
5. The one who goes to investigate is the one who dies first.
This ain’t Scooby-Doo, son. THIS IS REAL LIFE.
6. Be prepared to strike at any time.
Because aliens aren’t gonna politely wait until you’re done reloading before they spray you with radioactive gas clouds.
7. Keep an eye on your new neighbors.
Have you noticed that all the local livestock has “mysteriously” disappeared since they moved in next door? Also, the actual alien mothership parked in the front lawn is kind of a tip-off.
8. Fight the unexpected with the unexpected.
DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING DID YOU YA MELON-HEADED ALIEN FREAKS.
9. Stay away from isolated areas.
A campsite in rural Indiana ranks pretty darn low on our list of “Places We Want to Be When the Warmongering Race of Extraterrestrials Appears.”
10. Defend yourself against mind control.
Found yourself with knocked flat a killer headache? Stop and ask yourself: Have I been brain-jacked by a breed of evil telepathic extraterrestrials, or have I just been reading way too many YouTube comments?
11. Or, you know, just take matters into your own hands.
Pro Tip: There’s no extraterrestrial conflict that a good minigun won’t solve.
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