The Definitive NBA Playoff Preview: Platinum Edition

The match-ups are set, and the games start tomorrow. It’s time to make fun of them.

Bahram Mark Sobhani / AP

The NBA Playoffs start tomorrow!

As such, it’s time to make our predictions. But instead of explaining why we’re making the predictions we’re making, we’ll just make fun of the players, coaches, and teams involved. LET’S GET IT ON.

Western Conference:

6. #1 San Antonio Spurs vs. #8 Utah Jazz

Jim Urquhart / AP

Kevin: I wonder how it feels to not be the #1 seed in the West when everyone thinks the #1 seed in the West is actually OKC. DeJuan Blair looks like a Prius. Danny Green thinks he’s still at UNC. Gordon Hayward is Justin Bieber after being stretched on a rack. Al Jefferson, Paul Millsap, Enes Kanter, and Derrick Favors should become some sort of basketball Voltron. Prediction: Spurs in 5

Jack: So does DeJuan Blair actually not have ACLs? Are ACLs secretly like appendixes and we’ve evolved past our original need for them? Or is DeJuan Blair a mutant? Wait a second. The Spurs are all mutants. Gregg Popovich is totally a Professor Xavier-type. Manu Ginobili has the power to take elbows to the face. Tim Duncan has the power to hit bank shots without being laughed at. Tony Parker has the power to have sex with his teammate’s wives. Prediction: Spurs in 4

7. #2 Oklahoma City Thunder vs. #7 Dallas Mavericks

Tony Gutierrez / AP

Kevin: It’s funny, because this rematch comes only a year after the Mavs beat OKC in the Western Conference championships, but it feels as though everyone on the Mavs aged a decade. Hope it’s not too awkward that the Thunder are planning on using Lamar Odom as their mascot. Prediction: OKC in 6

Jack: James Harden will be back after only missing two games. That’s crazy if you think about how brutal Metta World “I’ve always been Ron Artest you idiots” Peace’s elbow was. Crazy theory time. James Harden’s beard has regenerative powers. Serious theory. Russell Westbrook would have been Tyreke Evans with better style if it weren’t for Kevin Durant. Discuss. Prediction: OKC in 4 and Dirk goes back to Australia.

8. #3 Los Angeles Lakers vs. #6 Denver Nuggets

Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

Kevin: If you’re not excited for that ANDRE MILLER — RAMON SESSIONS face-off, then you don’t have a pulse/you’re a panda bear. It’s like John Travolta vs. Nick Cage 75 years from now. Matt Barnes and Chris Anderson are going to compare body ink and then donate themselves to the MOMA. When Denver wins, Kobe’s going to disappear and reappear fifteen years from now as the dictator of a former Communist bloc nation.Prediction: Nuggets in 7

Jack: Kevin’s lost his damn mind. Kobe Bryant will not be denied. He’ll murder Andre Miller with nothing but his teeth before the Nuggets win this series. But the actual series is only secondary to the fact that JAVALE MCGEE IS IN THE PLAYOFFS! I haven’t been this excited for a potential trainwreck since the Lindsay Lohan Linda Lovlace movie was rumored and that never even came close to happening. I’m giddy. Prediction: Lakers in 5 and JaVale McGee gets angrily benched at least twice and then tweets hilarious stuff about it.

9. #4 Memphis Grizzlies vs. #5 Los Angeles Clippers

Lance Murphey / AP

Kevin: Should someone feed Marc Gasol? He looks hungry. Prediction: Clippers in 7

Jack: Some bets I like for this series. “Number of times that Vinny Del Negro looks confused coming out of a time out.” The over/under is set at 15. That seems dangerously low to me. I think you bet the over and think you bet it hard. I also really like “Blake Griffin to dunk on someone viciously and then forget to play defense” at -250. Seems like easy money. Prediction: Grizzlies in 5 and a fired Vinny Del Negro

Eastern Conference: (More like Leastern Conference, yep? lololololol)

11. #1 Chicago Bulls vs. #8 Philadelphia 76ers

ReutersPictures / Reuters

Kevin: It’s possible that the collisions of Spencer Hawes, Elton Brand, Omer Asik, and Joakim Noah will produce some sort of nuclear explosion. Evan Turner’s been working really hard to lull everyone into a false sense of security this season, just so he can turn into a confused gopher during the playoffs. Fun fact: the Bulls have five people on staff whose sole job is to keep Tom Thibodeau’s blood pressure pulse from reaching 200. Prediction: Bulls in 4

Jack: Remember that summer when Elton Brand and Baron Davis were the huge, controversial free-agent stories? Man, the NBA used to suck. Prediction: Bulls in 4

12. #2 Miami Heat vs. #7 New York Knicks

Chris Trotman / Getty Images

Kevin: There’s word that Tyson Chandler might not play. If he sits, we’ll be measuring the time it takes Miami to win this series in minutes, not games. LeBron and Baron Davis’ beards are twins separated at birth. Prediction: Heat in 6 (if Tyson plays); Heat in 57 minutes (if Tyson doesn’t play)

Jack: I remember going to the first home game of LeBron James’ career against Carmelo Anthony’s Nuggets. All the hype was about how they were going to be this era’s Bird and Magic. It’s been nine years and despite what ESPN and TNT will want you to believe this week, it’s still not going to happen. That said, Chris Bosh and Jared Jeffries get pretty sassy around each other. Prediction: Heat in 5.

13. #3 Indiana Pacers vs. #6 Orlando Magic

Mark Duncan / AP

Kevin: I know that picture ^^^^ has nothing to do with this match up, but it’s what came up when I searched “pacers magic” in our image program, so deal with it. Everyone’s going to be disappointed when the only player from either team who shows up is Tyler Hansbrough and the series is just 336 minutes of him doing Kung Fu at midcourt. Around Game 3, expect Dwight Howard to ask for Frank Vogel to be fired. Prediction: Pacers in 5

Jack: David West brutally assaulted Moondog. Every fiber of my being wants to pick against that asshole, but then I look at the Magic and know that it’s already over. We can only hope that West knocks Orlando’s mascot out. Dwight Howard’s pouting face deserves it. Prediction: Pacers in 5

14. #4 Boston Celtics vs. #5 Atlanta Hawks

TAMI CHAPPELL / Reuters

Kevin: Ray Allen. Kevin Garnett. Paul Pierce. Jerry Stackhouse. Tracy McGrady. Erick Dampier. This series would’ve been AWESOME in 2002. Prediction: Hawks in 7

Jack: I’m not convinced the Hawks are made up of actual people. I’m pretty sure they’re like the computer in a video game. They’re just good enough to give you a challenge, but they are destined by their very nature to lose. But Josh Smith will be fun to watch. Prediction: Celtics in 6

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