1. Wake and Bake Guy
Get ready for a lifetime of late-night pizza and breakfast nachos.
2. Twin Bed Guy
GET A FUTON MATTRESS. OR A STRAW PALLET. ANYTHING THAT SLEEPS TWO PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT LIVE IN A DORM ANYMORE.
See also: Gross Bedsheets Guy.
3. Super Busy Guy
“AAAAHHH I’m so sorry, but something literally just came up with work and I have to bail — I know, I know, I am the worst. Things have just been INSANE lately. Can we try for next week? But after Wednesday because I know things are going to be CRAZY for me until then.” Rinse, wash, repeat.
4. Negging Guy
“It’s so cool how you don’t care that much about how you look.”
See also: Undermining Guy.
5. lower case emailing guy
usually means he’s either passive-aggressive or overly emo/twee
6. Sex Tape Making/Emulating Guy
Does not apply if you met in Craigslist Misc Romance.
7. Fantasy Sports Obsessed Guy
One fantasy league at a time is acceptable. Two is questionable. Three or more, goodbye ever doing anything except watching sports!
8. “I Just Ran Out of Condoms” Guy
9. Weird Diet Guy
Enjoy constantly accommodating his diet of nuts, berries and salmon.
See also: “That’s Unhealthy” Guy.
10. Overly Groomed Guy
Never trust a man with a hair dryer.
11. Underly Groomed Guy
Then again, never trust a man who doesn’t own soap.
12. Gym Rat Guy
Being fit is one thing. Waking up every day at 5 a.m. to spend two hours lifting is another.
13. Always Orders For You Guy
MAYBE THE LADY DOESN’T WANT THE STEAK, OKAY?
14. Shapewear-Wearing Guy
Yes, the Padded Butt Brief is a thing that exists.
17. Still Lives With Roommates After Age 30 Guy
Just… get your own place. Just do it.
18. Maxim Subscriber