25 Awesomely Scathing Reviews From The Late Roger Ebert

No one did more for his craft, and no one was more adored by his peers. But perhaps more than anything else, no one put a bad movie in its place better than Roger Ebert. RIP to a pioneer, a legend, and a critic in every sense of the word.

1. "Little Indian, Big City" (1994)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via getfilm.co.uk

"Little Indian, Big City is one of the worst movies ever made. I detested every moronic minute of it...if you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again."

2. "North" (1994)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via totalfilm.com

"I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it."

3. "The Frighteners" (1996)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via blogger.com

"Last year, I reviewed a nine-hour documentary about the lives of Mongolian yak herdsmen, and I would rather see it again than sit through The Frighteners."

4. "Mad Dog Time" (1996)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via furglamor.com

"Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line."

5. "I Know What You Did Last Summer" (1997)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via themoviebuff.net

"After the screening was over and the lights went up, I observed a couple of my colleagues in deep and earnest conversation, trying to resolve twists in the plot. They were applying more thought to the movie than the makers did. A critic's mind is a terrible thing to waste."

6. "Armageddon" (1998)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via americaspace.com

"Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. Armageddon is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any 30 seconds at random, and you'd have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out."

7. "Sour Grapes" (1998)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via youtube.com

"Sour Grapes is a comedy about things that aren't funny. It reminded me of Crash, an erotic thriller about things no one finds erotic...The more I think of it, the more Sour Grapes really does resemble Crash (except that Crash was not a bad film). Both movies are like watching automobile accidents. Only one was intended to be."

8. "Friends and Lovers" (1999)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via cineplex.com

"This movie is not merely bad, but incompetent. I get tapes in the mail from 10th graders that are better made than this ... I have often asked myself, 'What would it look like if the characters in a movie were animatronic puppets created by aliens with an imperfect mastery of human behavior?' Now I know."

9. "Wild Wild West" (1999)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via toutlecine.com

"The movie is all concept and no content; the elaborate special effects are like watching money burn on the screen. You know something has gone wrong when a story is about two heroes in the Old West, and the last shot is of a mechanical spider riding off into the sunset."

10. "Battlefield Earth" (2000)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via themysterybox.org

"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasent in a hostile way. ... I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies."

11. "Freddy Got Fingered" (2001)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via chrislejarzar.wordpress.com

"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels."

12. "Jason X" (2001)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via somewhatnerdy.com

"'This sucks on so many levels.' — Dialogue from Jason X. Rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. Jason X sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought.

13. "Boat Trip" (2002)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via toutlecine.com

"Boat Trip arrives preceded by publicity saying many homosexuals have been outraged by the film. Now that it's in theaters, everybody else has a chance to join them. Not that the film is outrageous. That would be asking too much. It is dim-witted, unfunny, [and] too shallow to be offensive..."

14. "The Brown Bunny" (2003)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via torrentbutler.eu

"I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny."

15. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (2003)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via themoviebuff.net

"I like good horror movies. They can exorcise our demons. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre doesn't want to exorcise anything. It wants to tramp crap through our imaginations and wipe its feet on our dreams."

16. "Catwoman" (2004)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via dccomics.com

"The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project."

17. "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" (2004)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via filmconnoisseur.blogspot.com

"Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children."

18. "Dirty Love" (2005)

rogerebert.com / Via wallpaperpimper.com

"Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent... I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is."

19. "Revolver" (2005)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via slantmagazine.com

"Some of the acting is better than the film deserves. Make that all of the acting. Actually, the film stock itself is better than the film deserves. You know when sometimes a film catches fire inside a projector? If it happened with this one, I suspect the audience might cheer."

20. "The Bucket List" (2007)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via fanpop.com

"The Bucket List is a movie about two old codgers who are nothing like people, both suffering from cancer that is nothing like cancer, and setting off on adventures that are nothing like possible. I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens."

21. "September Dawn" (2007)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via movies.nytimes.com

"I am trying as hard as I can to imagine the audience for this movie. Every time I make any progress, it scares me."

22. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" (2009)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via themoviebros.com

"If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination..."

23. "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" (2009)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via aceshowbiz.com

"The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan."

24. "Battle: Los Angeles" (2011)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via thatfilmkid.com

"Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you've been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart."

25. "Seven Days in Utopia" (2011)

rogerebert.suntimes.com / Via infinitiblog.grubbs.com

"I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again."