Australia is about to go through its coldest period in A HELL OF A LONG TIME so here are some tips to help you through this.
1. Wear a beanie over the whole weekend, so as to maintain a good core temperature.
2. Quickly go to the store and get yourself some stock cubes.
3. Close all blinds, doors, windows, as if there is a ghost on its way.
4. Think warm thoughts.
5. Wear layers, like an onion.
6. Save money on heating by lighting a fire in a trash can.
7. Fill a bath halfway with really hot water. Sit in it. Let the warmth embrace the lower half of your vertical body. Then put the faucet back on at the pace of a slow, boiling hot trickle.
8. Wear socks.
9. Drink a lot of warm milk, then hibernate.
10. Bake something.
11. And then cook a large stew.
12. Wear a scarf at all times, constantly flaying it across your neck whilst proclaiming yourself "the lord of heat."
13. Don't go outside. Even if it's sunny.
14. Or find somewhere with great heating and spend all day there.
15. Like, literally all day.
16. So, essentially, find a mall and camp out there. You might have to hide at night so the security guards don't kick you out into the BLIZZARD but that's OK. I believe in you.
17. Take up knitting, now.
18. And then speed-knit yourself something real nice and warm when it gets cold.
19. Or, like, call your grandparents and ask if they can knit something for you.
20. Don't get out of bed. Ever.
21. Wear a onesie.
22. And Ugg boots.
23. And build yourself a large, indestructible blanket fort.
24. Put your oven on the top temperature and leave it.
25. Do the same thing with your microwave.
26. Leave all your taps on with boiling water coming out, making your house into a real, easygoing sauna.
27. Soak a towel in boiling hot water and then wear it around your neck like a cape.
28. Eat only red foods.
29. Fill your bathtub with freshly cooked rice and then get in with the aforementioned rice.
30. Run around your house in circles. It's OK, no one is watching.
31. Get sick. Then your body will heat up to try and kill the virus. Fun!
32. Get really, really drunk.
33. Put on all of your clothes. All of them.
34. Except shoes, you don't have to do that.
35. Eat a curry.
36. Eat another curry.
37. Eat all the curry.
38. Have sex.
39. Even if that means having sex...with yourself.
40. Or, y'know, just hug someone.
41. Spoon 'em.
42. Mull some motherfuckin' wine.
43. Butter your rum and heat that shit up.
44. Masturbate all weekend.
45. Put all your pets into one room and stay there with them, enjoying your combined body heat.
46. Or, like, turn your heating on.
