The Definitive Ranking Of Bogan Events In Australian History

Get ready to switch your bogan detector to HIGH.

Before we begin, a definition:


Bogan:

A doyen of Australian culture, similar to the American “redneck”. Easily spotted due to penchant for sporting mullet haircuts, wearing black jeans and flannel shirts, and driving big old cars such as Valiants, Falcons or H-series Holdens while listening to AC/DC or Metallica.

Basically, something along the lines of this:

Now let’s get started…

21. The shopping list:

Milk, bread, smokes. We’ve all been there. Or have we? This is only the start of our bogan journey, and it loses points due to the lack of context. It is very possible the smokes were for someone else, making the milk and bread order seem a lot more tolerable.

Bogan level: Tracky dacks and Ugg boots.

20. The car listing:

At first glance, this listing in a local newspaper appears to be peak bogan. However, one must consider the possibility that this was not the work of a bogan, rather, someone who understands advertising and how to sell. Good on them, if that’s the case.

Level of bogan: Personalised numberplate.

19. The lawnmower:

IT’S A BLOODY LAWNMOWER! Anyone with that much time and money to personalize and specially design their lawnmower is tip-toeing the line between normal and bogan.

Level of bogan: Rove Live.

18. The four boys:

Unable to tell if the tattoos are indeed real (Lord pray they are not) we must take what we can from the photo. Whilst there is a possibility that the photo was the result of a bogan-themed party, the costumes are almost too spot on - the attitude too real - to believe that. This is low on the list because they’re just kids, and they still have time to make a change. We hope. We pray.

Level of bogan: Frangipani car stickers.

17. The AFL supporter:

Could just be illiterate.

Level of bogan: Stocking up on VB before Australia Day.

16. The spellcheck:

Again, could just be illiterate. This one, though, doesn’t seem to understand the English language. Bonus points for the use of ‘nek minnit’

Level of bogan: Owning all the series of The Block on DVD.

15. Batman and his high horse:

At first glance, this appears like a typical (and sad) party. But, on the right of the frame, the sign on the door is what makes this premium bogan. “Fuck off we’re full” has become a mantra of sorts for the bogan people, and sticking it on the door for all to see is quite a statement.

Level of bogan: Staying up all night for the Australian Open.

14. The do-it-yourself:

Good on them for trying. You’d be forgiven for being distracted by the new (and by new we mean ***newly rearranged***) doors, but the rear of the car is where it’s really at. No time to spend on functionality, guys. This thing needs to look HOT AS SHIT!

Level of bogan: Todd Carney.

13. The city limits:

Now, they didn’t name the Shire (we hope) and the population is quite small. Still, in the same way Sydney-siders come from Sydney it would make sense that bogans come from Bogan Shire.

Level of bogan: Foreign tattoos you don’t really understand.

12. The conspiracy:

I mean come on now, this is just mean. And too easy. We all have that one Facebook friend from High School who we only follow because they post stuff like this all day. And for that, we thank them.

Level of bogan: Constantly saying “literally.”

11. The spoiled P-plater:

We’ve all made mistakes as kids. The fact that this driver is a P-plater let’s us assume their age (which may be wrong presumption to make) and it is this that saves them ever so slightly. Still, there’s no excuses for that thing on the back. How much faster do you think that makes it go?

Level of bogan: Massive spoilers on the back of your car.

10. The family:

We have to take this as face value and believe that this is the mother and son, and if it is we’re in for a world of head-scratching.

Level of bogan: Getting your own surname tattooed on your back.

9. The Newlyweds:

Yes this happens and yes to some it’s a perfectly normal thing. But if we look back at what makes a bogan, the celebration of marriage via Holden is pretty high up there.

Level of bogan: Heading up to the RSL every Sunday.

8. The anarchist:

One hand rests against my forehead, trying to comprehend this, whilst the other cups my mouth to stifle the laughter. Full points for a creative response to ‘the man.’ This right here is the bogan anarchist and we should all be worried.

Level of bogan: Tramp stamp of your favourite sporting team.

7. The father figure:

Vodka? Check.
Commodore? Check.
Hills Hoist? Check.
Child? (Unfortunate, check.)

This actually hurts to look at it.

Level of bogan: Buying Zoo Weekly.

6. The death machine:

A serial killer drives this car. They just happen to also be a bogan.

Level of bogan: Saying “cunt” in every sentence.

5. The portable lounge room:

Is that…Is that a ladder on the side of the car to get up there? That’s what I call planning. A pioneer in bogan engineering.

Level of bogan: Ed Hardy clothing.

4.

ARE YOU A SON OF THE SOUTHERN CROSS? ARE YOU TRUE BLUE???? THEN WADAYA WAITIN FOR YA FLAMIN’ MONGREL!

This is truly shocking. Although part of me wants it, real real real bad.

Level of bogan: Rats tail.

3. The honest driver:

At least they’re honest.

Level of bogan: Driving in thongs.

2. The home mechanic:

This guy is obviously just trying to save some cash, and credit to him for trying. That said, your kid’s swing-set probably isn’t the ideal place to rig up your cars’ engine. That’s more a job for the clothes line.

Level of bogan: Hopping down to the chicken shop for your daily Chicko Roll.

1. The money maker:

This. Just…this. Proving for all eternity that you can buy a Mercedes but by all hell you can’t buy class.

Level of bogan: A two-door Mercedes with THE AUSTRALIAN FUCKING FLAG PAINTED ON IT.

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