1. It’s time to talk about something that many [true] Australians have been unaware of for quite some time. Outback Steakhouse.
3. Outback Steakhouse holds a reputation for being ‘outback’ and ‘Australian’ when in reality very few of these things hold true.
4. The crown jewel of Outback Steakhouse seems to be this: The “bloomin’ onion.”
Let it be known that this is not an “Australian delicacy.” We don’t fry anything and everything. That’s not our game.
5. Outback Steakhouse has two locations in Australia. Neither of them are in the ‘outback.’ So really it should just be called ‘Steakhouse.’
But it’s not because ‘Steakhouse’ is a shitty name that sounds like the latest Tarantino–Rodriguez movie.
6. Who does Outback Steakhouse sponsor? A cricket team? Rugby? Hell, golf?! NOPE. It sponsors NASCAR driver Kevin Harvick. Because nothing is more Australian than NASCAR.
7. Outback Steakhouse promises a bunch of things us Aussies have NEVER EXPERIENCED. LIKE STEAK. Y’KNOW. DEAD COW.
“Hey honey whatdy’a feel like for dinner?”
“Oooh, I was talking to Carol in my knitting circle and she said that Outback Steakhouse was unlike anything she’d ever experienced.”
“Steak. Have you heard of it?”
“Only in movies, darl.”
8. Outback Steakhouse also offers “Alice Springs Chicken Quesadillas.”
Which basically sounds like someone trying to politely describe their diarrhea.
10. And perhaps the most cringeworthy thing of all time:
I can’t even.
11. What’s that you say? At least they’re culturally sensitive? GOOD POINT, MATE.
Don’t know about you, but I hear didgeridoo everywhere I go.
12. See this? This is a witchetty grub. This is the real deal. This is “outback.”
13. All power to Outback Steakhouse for creating a business that is [probably?] successful. I have eaten there. A lot of the food is delicious. But this shit’s gotta stop:
14. Also what does this mean? Like. What.
I think I get what they’re saying but like idk this makes my head hurt.
An earlier version of this post incorrectly identified Ryan Newman as the Outback Steakhouse sponsored NASCAR driver.