• 1. Google Tunes

    Google Tunes

    Google’s very own open-source music store. Google Tunes is the first music service ever that pays nothing to the artist and charges nothing to the customer; As a result customers have every reason to use it and any remotely legitimate artist has none, allowing Google Tunes to remain perpetually “underground” and full of artists you’ve probably never even heard of. Currently Google Tunes is invite only, but we hope to make it open to the public just in time for it to not be cool anymore.

  • 2. Google Filters

    Google Filters

    Google Filters can be used to visually remove content you don’t like from the webpages you view based on keywords. All the data acquired by users will be thoroughly logged and used to generate searchable statistics that embarrass geographic cross sections of the country (i.e. 45% of Floridians block the word “gay”, while 60% of New Yorkers block the word “Red Sox”) This statistics collection will be known as Google Bugaboos.

  • 3. Google Dangersearch

    Google Dangersearch

    A new way to search for terrifyingly awful images on the web! Dangersearch turns off safe search and uses your custom dignity settings to find only the most rancid pieces of pikachu fetish art available! This service is only available to Internet users over the age of 18 and 13-year-olds with really cool moms that don’t care.

  • 4. Google Minus

    Google Minus

    A return to the simpler, minimalist days of Google. Google Minus acts as a place for you to unwind after a long, exciting day full of using Google products.The search bar has been removed and replaced with a soothing surplus of white space. As an added bonus, nothing on this page is even clickable.

  • 5. Twoogle

    Twoogle

    Double the search bars, half the searching time! Twoogle allows you to search for two distinct subjects at once, and then compare and contrast your results. If you’re feeling extra lucky, try a Troogle, Quadroogle, or even Pentoogle search! Actually, we bought every domain name that ends in “-oogle” so knock yourself out.

  • 6. Google Sun

    Google Sun

    A complete, fully manipulable 3D map of the sun. With Google sun, every nook, cranny, and blinding eruption of gaseous energy can be enjoyed from the comfort of your computer. As a side note, several hundred photographer astronauts died collecting data for the Google Sun project, so please use this service in their honor.

  • 7. Google Sandwich

    Google Sandwich

    Google Sandwich lets you mix and match various virtual sandwich components to create a sandwich profile and share your sandwich preferences with your friends. Google Sandwich has over 50,000 available ingredients, more than any other virtual sandwich service! Disclaimer: Google sandwich does not let you order, locate, or otherwise involve yourself with real-life sandwiches.

  • 8. Google Blurtz

    Google Blurtz

    A refined, ultra short-form microblogging experience. Blurt directly at friends within your BlurtBlock, or blurt openly to the entire Blurt-o-Verse! Each blurt is limited to only ten characters and BlurtzBasic users can only blurt once every fortnight, so be sure to make every blurt count!

  • 9. Google Payphone

    Google Payphone

    A brand new, state-of-the-art payphone (located at 76th and Broadway) that you can use any time, day or night (pending presence of other GPP users and/or spare change). Google plans to expand the payphone service across the entire continental U.S. and predicts they will replace cellular telephones by early 2017.

  • 10. Google Google

    Google Google

    A Google search service that searches through only Google’s various services. While this service can be extremely useful for locating your favorite Google products, we strongly recommend that you never search for GoogleGoogle on GoogleGoogle, as it may cause computer problems and/or death.

  • 11. Google Deity

    Google Deity

    Design your own idol and then begin converting others to your burgeoning faith. Deliver sermons and ascend worthy friends and family to priesthood. Use Google analytics to reach out to key ignorant masses that are ripe for conversion. Join now to get access to a beta key for the upcoming_ Google Martyr_ initiative!

  • 12. Google Taste

    Google Taste

    Google FINALLY gives you the ability to taste the internet! Experience the hostile saltiness of Reddit, the cool, vanilla blandness of Facebook, the sweaty, anonymous spice of Craigslist, and the dark, malevolent bitterness of 4chan! Includes the ability to add chipotle to anything.

  • 13. Google Innovator

    Google Innovator

    Utilizing a ridiculously convoluted algorithm we’re extremely proud of, this new Google feature combines random words to generate new Google features of its own! And then we… well… I guess we don’t really have anything else to do after that. We uh, we didn’t really think this one through.

  • 14. Google House

    Google House

    Google is so rich, we can afford to build everyone in the fucking world a house. How nuts is THAT shit? Guess how many houses Zuckerburg built for you, FUCKING ZERO. Oh and did we mention all the bills and payments on the house are waived, because yeah we DID THAT. We’ve got your ass covered tighter than a pair of Google Underwear (coming soon) and in exchange, all we ask is that you display google ads on every available surface of your house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Also, we’ll be filming you, like, non stop.

  • 15. Project LunaDrive

    Project LunaDrive

    Okay, so we may have converted the moon into a giant server, and it maaaaay have gained sentience and started referring to itself as G’oog’el The Infinite One. But don’t worry! Soon we’ll all be able to embrace the coming of the Google Singularity, where our minds will be reaped and culled into a single, electric consciousness; and the best part is, it’s completely free!