7 Reasons The Dallas Cowboys Really Are America’s Team (But Not In A Good Way)

NFL fans often complain that the Cowboys are not truly “America’s Team.” But, if you think about it, it’s actually a pretty good comparison. Just not the way Cowboys fans probably have in mind.

1. Their Best Days Are Behind Them

Sporting News Archive / Getty

In the mid-’90s the Cowboys were winning titles and had a great offense, a great defense, and a leader who everyone liked in spite of the fact that he was clearly a decadent freak (Michael Irvin). In the mid-’90s America had just won the Cold War and had a great economy, a peaceful national security situation and a leader who everyone liked in spite of the fact that he was clearly a decadent freak (William J. Clinton). Now the Cowboys go 8-8 every year and America is crapping around with an economy that only works for rich people while our armed forces spend all their time fighting cave assholes halfway across the world.

2. All Their Leaders Do Is Fight with One Other and It’s Possible None of Them Have Any Idea What They’re Doing

Fort Worth Star-Telegram / Getty

Jerry Jones can’t get out of bed in the morning without making some sort of personnel move or media remark that undermines someone else in his own organization. He’s on his sixth coach since Jimmy Johnson left, with a seventh likely on the way next year. Meanwhile the highest level of American government consists solely of people having press conferences to blame each other for all the stuff that’s going wrong, which is everything.

3. Racial Animosity

The only way the picture above doesn’t represent America is that, rather than arguing face-to-face, most Americans prefer to wait until they’re on an internet message board to complain about all the things that are wrong with whites/blacks/Asians/Latinos/whatever. (N.b., There is no evidence that race was involved in any way in Jason Witten and Dez Bryant’s argument. This one is a metaphor.)

4. Their Fans/Citizens Take Way Too Much Pride in Things They Have Absolutely No Connection to

TIME & LIFE Images / Getty

Cowboys fans are notorious for having jumped on the bandwagon despite not being from Texas or necessarily even knowing much about football. Meanwhile, every single American takes credit for liberating France in 1944.

5. They Have a Huge Luxurious House and Poor People Are Not Allowed Inside

Sharon Ellman / AP

AT&T Stadium cost $1 billion to build. Patrons with a great deal of discretionary income can choose from “Field Level Suites,” “Hall Of Fame Suites,” “Silver Suites,” “Ring Of Honor Suites,” and “Star Suites.” On StubHub, tickets to sit in the 22nd row of section 432 (behind the end zone) for the Cowboys’ upcoming showdown against 1-6 Minnesota are going for $140.

6. Everyone Hates Them

WireImage / Getty

This flag-burning was in NEW ZEALAND, by the way. C’mon, New Zealand.

7. None of the Above Is Going to Change Their High Opinion of Themselves in Any Way

Rob Tringall / Sports Chrome

Cowboys self-regard is impervious to the results on the field. And the vast majority of Americans, the writer of this piece included, will likely continue to insist for the rest of their lives that the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world no matter what kind of further national idiocy occurs. U-S-A!

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