GAME 7: the razor’s edge. The difference between glory and infamy. The difference between Michael Jordan and Karl Malone. The difference between riding a Rolls-Royce made of gold in a victory parade down Broadway and riding a Dumpstermobile made of wet bread in a shame parade down Suck Street. Tonight is the night of the deciding game of the NBA Finals between the Spurs and the Heat, but the concept of Game 7 is too excellent to be limited to sports. Below, some other make-or-break moments that mark the line between victory and defeat.
1. The third date is the Game 7 of dating.
First date is getting to know the basics. Second date is about getting comfortable. The third date is the crucial tipping point. If you’re not hooked yet, it’s not going to happen. But if you’re on date three and you’re laughing and drinking white wine and feeding each other shrimp (without taking the tail off, apparently — rude), then IT IS SO ON.
2. Going to Ikea together is the Game 7 of a relationship.
So you’ve made it past the third date and have been together for a while. You’re talking about moving in together. And if you move in together, you’ll need some more stuff. And if you need stuff and are at a stage in life where you’re moving in with someone for the first time, you’ll need to go to Ikea. And if you can successfully agree on home-design aesthetics in the middle of an absurdly crowded warehouse that it took you 75 minutes to get to on a Saturday that you might have otherwise spent having a more human-like experience, your union is built to last. Congratulations on your wedding. (The DJ’s playlist is the Game 7 of a wedding.)
3. Sophomore year is the Game 7 of high school and college.
It’s pretty much impossible not to be an aimless, lonely twerp as a freshman. And it’s hard to work your way into an established group of friends after junior year or so. (Though not impossible, so don’t despair, kids who take life pointers from listicles written by idiots.) Sophomore year is the time to get locked in.
4. The fourth drink is the Game 7 of a night out.
Three drinks and you’ve had yourself a pretty fun night, but you won’t have any trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Four drinks and you’re headed for a rager. Because no one actually stops at four. “Guys, what if we did karaoke RIGHT NOW?” — Mr. Fourth Beer
5. The bun is the Game 7 of a cheeseburger.
There are going to be some people who don’t want to hear this, but a cheeseburger can survive without really great ground beef. As long as the beef isn’t extremely gristly or overcooked, you can deal with it not being top quality. But if the bun is too mealy or dry, it’s like, “Game over, buddy — have fun eating your sawdust sandwich.”
6. The Battle of the Bulge was the Game 7 of World War II.
A defeat to Allied forces at this point in the war, after they’d expended so many resources on the D-day invasion of Normandy, would’ve been devastating. But though Hitler’s army was able to surge surprisingly through mainland Northern Europe, it was ultimately vanquished, and history would remember the German tyrant for “choking in the clutch.”
7. Game 5 is the Game 7 of a five-game series.
It’s just true mathematically, you see.