1. Turn on games you have no interest in watching just to be able to score points by turning them off.
“Change the channel? Well, if you insist, I guess I can live without the third quarter of Raiders-Browns.”
2. Lie shamelessly about the quality of dining and shopping options available in the vicinity of any stadium where you want to go to a game.
“Oh, yeah, I’m SURE they have an Anthropologie in the South Bronx.”
3. Describe your favorite players not in terms of their importance to your team (i.e. what you care about), but in terms of the vibrancy of their smiles and their dedication to charity work (i.e. what your significant other might conceivably care about).
OK, even diehard fans are charmed by a good smile.
4. Describe games you want to watch in terms of personality conflicts between players on opposing teams, as if you were selling a television drama.
Not sure who Patrick Dempsey is in this metaphor.
5. Make sure your family obligations coincidentally end up getting scheduled for fall weekends when your football team has a bye week.
“We should really get up to your parents’ place sometime — maybe two Saturdays from now?”
6. Develop an extensive knowledge of which players are, or were once, dating celebrities.
“Well, we COULD watch something else. But did you hear what Tony Parker said about Eva Longoria? SMH, SMDH.”
7. Don’t overplay the “But It’s The Playoffs” Card.
The day your significant other realizes that “it’s always the playoffs in something” is a harrowing one.
8. Develop a barter system in which, for example, you trade the rights to watch one regular football season game for the obligation to watch two nature documentaries.
Just never let on that you actually love nature documentaries. Penguins: simply delightful.
And the most devious trick of all…
9. Get a job at BuzzFeed Sports so it always counts as “work.”
- A judge set a $1 million bond for Ray Tensing, who was charged with murder for fatally shooting Samuel Dubose.
- The Taliban has appointed Mullah Akhtar Mansour as its new Afghan leader.
- Airplane debris discovered Wednesday "very likely" belongs to the same type of aircraft as missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.