View this image ›

This week, the Toronto Council down-voted Rob Ford’s controversial plan to scrap an economical initiative to create a light rail network in favour of some “awesome choo choo trains.”

“I’m disappointed, obviously,” said the Mayor of Canada’s most influential city, while chewing on a turkey bone. “The people want choo choo trains. They want to get up, wave at a conductor with a mustache and pocket watch, then go to work on a choo choo train. Light rail transit? Give me a break, those things are barely streetcars.”

Rob Ford eating TTC streetcar Rob Ford Loses Council Vote to Make More Choo Choo Trains

“I’m trying to get these radical choo choo trains on track, and everyone’s acting like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Ford was asked to expand upon why he presumed that choo choo trains were more desired by his constituents, considering that only 61,000 taxpayers would benefit from a subway system, as opposed to the light rail’s 630,000. Smacking his lips and wiping his mouth, with a Thomas the Tank Engine bib, Ford outlined his rationale.

“Way I see it, commuters who don’t pay taxes to support Toronto infrastructure want to save 60 bucks. What did I do? I gave that money back to them like a boss. Boom. Next I cut wasteful public programs to the bone. Boring stuff like the police and libraries. Pow. As far as I know without reading any newspapers or consuming media, everybody loved those decisions. But now I’m trying to get these radical choo choo trains running and everyone’s acting like I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“I do know what I’m doing,” added Ford, opening a box of caramel corn. “I’d offer you some of this, but after this vote, I don’t know if I feel like sharing.”

Asked whether such dissension from his own council was indicative that the part-time highschool football coach and occasional drunk driver had lost the confidence of his peers, Ford clarified in his fashion:

“Look, first time I saw a choo choo train, I was like, that is IT, man. Those things are so GREAT. Choo choo! Chugga chugga chugga chugga. Woo woo! I’m like, ‘Let’s get some of those!’ Listen, I am the mayor of a world-class city. I walk in the footsteps of giants like Mel Lastman for God’s sakes. Who wants to look him in the eye and say they didn’t deliver choo choos? Noooooooooobody. Just a little joke there, just a jape.

When asked to outline his strategy moving forward, Ford declined to comment, as he was occupied with the tasks of painting a model train and munching Ringolos.