1. Don’t make prank phone calls without reviewing local ironic phone ordinances.
How strict is your neighborhood phone police?
2. Don’t break promises to ghosts, unless you’re after their apartment.
Is Apartment 214 rent-controlled?
3. Never be creative, ever, or else your wildest dreams might come true.
Who would want that to happen?! Now, go back on Facebook.
4. Never play hockey in your apartment building, unless you want to be abducted by aliens.
And when complete strangers invite you into their apartment to play with toys, bring a special buddy!
5. Don’t wear dead people’s riding jackets, unless you have plenty of kibble handy.
Also, don’t wear whatever the girl on the left is wearing, unless you have plenty of cyanide handy.
6. Don’t kill your neighborhood bullies, unless you get a new bike out of it.
This episode was actually the birth of the anti-bullying movement.
7. Never screen pirated movies at your local movie theater, no matter how financially profitable.
Just sell more $20 sodas.
8. Never judge a comic book by its cover, unless the person on said cover is trying to kill you.
I wonder if the girl on the left is supposed to be some kind of nerd.
9. Don’t take parts in community theater productions if the script calls for you to turn into a frog.
Is Gort registered in the Screen Actors Guild?
10. Don’t go to bed with Bobcat Goldthwait…
Or you’ll wake up with more than sand in your eyes!
11. …and never listen to radio stations hosted by Gilbert Gottfried.
But you already knew that.
12. If you smell cigar smoke, it’s probably a vengeful funhouse clown coming to kill you.
Occam’s razor, bro.
13. Don’t visit BitTorrent without making sure you download Norton’s anti-demon patch.
I think this little guy got himself into the ObamaCare website, too.
14. If a monster has you cornered, just exploit their obvious weakness, which will have been made apparent to you earlier.
Of course!! The monster hates loud noises!! It all makes sense now!!
15. Don’t investigate the origins of graffito-tagged rock formations.
And quit meddling in time-warped romantic tragedies, too!
16. If you keep seeing inter-dimensional ghosts when you wear x-ray specs, just stop wearing them.
17. Never keep a wish in your heart or a thought in your head.
Haven’t we all learned our lesson about monkeys’ paws by now?
18. Don’t play the flute, unless you’re prepared to summon hideous rat creatures.
Maybe music’s not your thing.
19. Never buy magical curios from mincing shopkeepers…
The best items are in the back of the store.
20. …and don’t call Dr. Vink a “nut bag.”
Or else he’ll show you a nut bag.