1. Freeze time by saying “time out!” and making the corresponding hand gesture
Because there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything you need to do on Facebook.
2. Alternative: touch your fingers together to freeze time
Don’t forget to clap your hands when you’re done! Note: only works if your father is from the planet Antareus and communicates with you through a cube.
3. Touch your ear, say “showtime, Synergy!,” and let you holographic double do some of the work
Because life is a two-person job, and they just added a new season of Law & Order: SVU to Netflix.
4. Trick your enemies into saying “I don’t know,” and let the slime show them who’s boss
Because you don’t have time to craft the perfect comeback. Note: getting them to say “water” also works, but not as well.
5. Press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start
It’s a lot easier to make stupid mistakes when you have 30 extra lives — even though you’ll probably spend most of them on YouTube.
6. Write down life’s hardest questions, and let Ghostwriter answer them for you
Because how else do you expect to learn the answers — through experience, suffering, and reflection?
7. Use your temple pendant
Creditors, landlords, your boss, your kids… who needs them? Give them your temple pendant, get them off your back, and just be done with it already.
8. Use a warp whistle
Skip over the hard stuff… you deserve instant gratification.
9. Say “synchronize Swatches!” and watch the perfect plan fall into place
Now *you* can’t lose.
10. Hold [Shift] and type “FUND” for $10,000 instantly
Savings accounts are for suckers. Now you can buy all the Apple products you want! Don’t forget to turn disasters off!
11. Put your robot sister to work
Because unlike you, she wasn’t programmed to feel self-entitlement.
12. Say “hocus pocus alamagocus!” and put department store mannequins to work
Just make sure they don’t dance too much.
13. Buy a pet alligator, and then put *it* to work
Basically just avoid doing work.
14. Use a lightning bolt, banana peel, or koopa shell
Your co-workers all stay late and work hard to get ahead… but you can put a quick stop to that!
15. Morph into a puddle of whatever Alex Mack turns into, and sneak out under a door
Why face your problems and responsibilities when you can melt your way out of them?
16. Use a helicopter hat, and get where you need to go faster
For when you’re late to brunch or an ironic kickball game with your hipster friends. Note: an inflatable trench coat also works.
17. Or, use aerosol spray cans to propel you off the ground
Just watch out for electromagnetic radiation!