13 Cheap Alternatives To Buying Health Insurance

Because you’re on a budget, and the Affordable Care Act may not be all that affordable.

1. Use Purell compulsively

Because handshakes are deadly, and your gym has superbugs.

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2. Eat an apple a day

Allegedly, this will keep doctors away, and you can’t afford to see them right now.

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3. Drink lots of red wine

Because it has antioxidants to lower your risk of coronary artery disease… also, it gets you drunk so you stop worrying about not having health insurance.

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4. Instead of finding a doctor, follow @DrOz on Twitter

Because sound medical advice can probably be boiled down to 140 characters or less, right?

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5. Buy a first aid kit

Make sure it has plenty of Bactine and salve!

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6. Stock up on Airborne

Because who needs clinically-proven antibiotics when you can take an effervescent, lawsuit-prone vitamin cocktail developed by a school teacher.

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7. Instead of finding a doctor, play Dr. Mario

It couldn’t hurt, right?

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8. Have a board-certified fourth grader give you a cootie shot

Because it’s free, and unlike the flu, cootie season runs year round.

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9. Wear a surgical mask in public

No one will think you’re crazy or diseased — they’ll just think you’re thrifty!

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10. Instead of finding a doctor, start reading “Rex Morgan, M.D.” in the Sunday paper

I don’t know what it’s about, but it’s got to be better than “Mary Worth.”

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11. Stop taking risks

Because accidents are expensive.

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12. Wear tissue-box shoes

You can also hoard jars of your urine, but that’s another matter altogether.

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13. Never leave your house ever

Because there are germs outside — filthy, expensive germs.

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