1. Use Purell compulsively
Because handshakes are deadly, and your gym has superbugs.
2. Eat an apple a day
Allegedly, this will keep doctors away, and you can’t afford to see them right now.
3. Drink lots of red wine
Because it has antioxidants to lower your risk of coronary artery disease… also, it gets you drunk so you stop worrying about not having health insurance.
4. Instead of finding a doctor, follow @DrOz on Twitter
Because sound medical advice can probably be boiled down to 140 characters or less, right?
5. Buy a first aid kit
Make sure it has plenty of Bactine and salve!
6. Stock up on Airborne
Because who needs clinically-proven antibiotics when you can take an effervescent, lawsuit-prone vitamin cocktail developed by a school teacher.
7. Instead of finding a doctor, play Dr. Mario
It couldn’t hurt, right?
8. Have a board-certified fourth grader give you a cootie shot
Because it’s free, and unlike the flu, cootie season runs year round.
9. Wear a surgical mask in public
No one will think you’re crazy or diseased — they’ll just think you’re thrifty!
10. Instead of finding a doctor, start reading “Rex Morgan, M.D.” in the Sunday paper
I don’t know what it’s about, but it’s got to be better than “Mary Worth.”
11. Stop taking risks
Because accidents are expensive.
12. Wear tissue-box shoes
You can also hoard jars of your urine, but that’s another matter altogether.