• This is what they used to drink in the Old West

  • So the film begins with Big Baby Chips (Violent J) killing the people that he is playing poker with. He is very concerned with his muthafuckin’ money.

    Clearly, the costume designers had a lot of fun with this movie.

  • Then, Big Baby has a premonition and a problem with redundancy

  • Then, opening credits. With names like this, you know the movie is going to be stellar.

  • Cut to… Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) visiting the grave of the relatives who raised him as a child

    Yes. Uncle Anus.

  • Artsy cinematography as Sugar Wolf rides toward Mudbug, his hometown

  • This is the saloon in Mudbug

  • It is here that we are introduced to a Mexican character named Dirty Sanchez

    SUBTLETY!

  • On his travels, Sugar Wolf meets Juggalo Native Americans

  • By the way, the dialogue in this movie is top notch

  • Dirty Sanchez explains that you shouldn’t drink the water

  • Sugar Wolf goes to see his mom, Handjob Hannah, …

  • … who lives at this address.

  • Sugar Wolf becomes sherriff. This is how he responds to predictions that he will be killed.

  • Big Baby responds to Sugar Wolf’s arrival in town by sending an assassin, The Ghost, after him. The Ghost should eliminate Sugar Wolf once and for all.

  • Meanwhile, Sugar Wolf enters into a relationship with a little person (adult film star Bridgette Powerz) who offers him some cherry pie.

  • Then The Ghost shows up in town and haunts everyone with… laser eyes?

    Sure.

  • The Ghost blows up an outhouse containing Screech (Dustin Diamond)

    This is the first of multiple “celebrity” cameos.

  • By the way, everyone keeps calling Dirty Sanchez “gringo,” blissfully unaware of the word’s definition.

    Words of wisdom that the ICP lives by.

  • Big Baby, angry that The Ghost has failed, relaxes in some anachronistic Japanese massage parlor. He then sends his next henchman, The Foot, to dispose of Sugar Wolf

  • Meanwhile, Sugar Wolf continues his romance

  • Then Brigitte Nielsen (huh?) shows up

    That guy knows what I’m talking about.

  • Then The Foot shows up.

  • DJ Clay pulls out a gat that hasn’t even been invented yet and tries to take down The Foot

  • Unfortunately, The Foot is defeated. Big Baby is angry, but consoles himself with his muthafuckin’ money.

  • The whole time that this has been going on, this guy has been trying to get to New York. He runs into Tom Sizemore in the desert. Sizemore then tries to discuss his struggling acting career. It is very sad.

  • Sometimes, the movie is aware of its anachronisms

  • Then there is a scene where Sugar Wolf pimpslaps criminals repeatedly as they squeal like little girls. In the Juggalo culture, this is one of the highest forms of comedy.

  • Sugar Wolf is all about honor and family values

  • Also, because his last name is Wolf, he is obligated to howl constantly

  • Sugar Wolf also knows his priorities and does not want to be bothered.

  • SHOCKING TWIST! Big Baby’s third assassin is Sugar Wolf’s love interest. Who is actually a man.

    Big reveal!

  • Sugar Wolf throws the little person out of the window and starts to fight him. He has a rip in his pants.

    Comedy!

  • Then there is a two-minute-long shot of Shaggy 2 Dope trying his best to convincingly fight a dummy. Then he sticks some dynamite in the assassin’s mouth and walks away while smoking.

  • Meanwhile, this dude has made it to New York (where phones ain’t been invented yet) and buys some chili for Sugar Wolf.

  • Meanwhile, night watchman Bucky (Jason Mewes [Jay from ‘Clerks’]) pisses his pants and then gets shot by Big Baby’s henchmen, who own automatic firearms.

    Classic comedy!

  • Big Baby wants to fight Sugar Wolf for reasons other than muthafuckin’ money. However, he still wants to remind everyone of his muthafuckin’ money.

  • The saloon dancers sing songs that include lyrics like this.

  • Sugar Wolf injures his shooting hand and is discouraged.

  • So, then we have a flashback where we learn that Sugar Wolf’s dad is played by Ron Jeremy and was a former sherriff. This is why Sugar Wolf also wants to be a sherriff and uphold the law.

    So basically, Sugar Wolf has daddy issues.

  • Sugar Wolf begins to train using his other hand. Dirty Sanchez offers some sage words of advice.

  • Sugar Wolf challenges Big Baby to a duel. Oscar-caliber dialogue ensues.

  • Big Baby prepares by smoking. Once again, please note the costumes.

  • In one scene, Sugar Wolf actually pimpslaps a horse. Seriously.

  • This is Big Baby’s stagecoach

  • Once again, the costumes.

  • Sugar Wolf shoots some belt buckles because comedy demands it

  • Then, Sugar Wolf dishes out some pre-duel trash talk

    OH SNAP

  • Sugar Wolf wins the duel. Then, in a stunning twist Big Baby is revealed to be Ron Jeremy aka Sugar Wolf’s father. That’s right: Violent J and Ron Jeremy are the same character.

  • Then, more howling

  • In conclusion, watching Big Money Rustlas was like this…

  • … but also like this.

  • Also, I tallied up the word count

    motherfucker - 34, shit - 18, fuck - 43, ass - 22, bitch - 24