19 Clean Jokes To Tell Your Kids…That Are Actually Funny

Tell them once and they’ll make you tell them 10,000 times.

  1. 1. What's Brown And Sticky?
    1. Click Here To Find Out

2. Interrupting Cow

3. The Lady on the Train

My favorite as a kid, and my kids’ favorite:

Lady sits down on a train. Man sitting next to her turns to her and says, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. That baby looks in a mirror, it’s going to shatter. You oughta put a bag on that baby’s head. That baby is just ugly.”

The woman, horrified, stands up and shouts for the conductor. “Conductor, this man has insulted me.”

“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the conductor replies. “What he did is totally unacceptable on this train. I will deal with him later, but for now, please come with me. We’ll give you a nice seat in the first-class carriage — and a banana for your monkey.”

A classic dating at least to the 1950s, the extended Flip Wilson version above is the earliest on the internet. You can of course update it to an airplane, to Facebook, or to some other setting. It’s very important that you not call it the “ugly baby” joke and you not mention the baby/monkey in the first sentence or in the woman’s complaint to the conductor.

4. Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?

Shutterstock

To stamp out forest fires.

Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?

To stamp out flaming ducks.

  1. 5. Who walks into a restaurant, eats shoots and leaves?
    1. Click Here To Find Out

6. Three Bananas and an Orange

*Knock Knock
“Who’s There?”
”Banana”
“Banana Who?

*Knock Knock
“Who’s There?”
”Banana”
“Banana Who?

*Knock Knock
“Who’s There?”
”Banana”
“Banana Who?

*Knock Knock
“Who’s There?”
”Orange”
“Orange Who?”
”Orange you glad I didn’t say banana”

7. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

8. I Can’t Eat This Soup

Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — matzoh ball soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.”

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

9. Muffins in the Oven

There are two muffins in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.”

The other muffin says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN.”

10. Lunch at the Library

Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”

Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”

11. The Whale Joke

Hard to explain, and with many variations. Here are two.

12. What did one eye say to the other eye?

Don’t look now, but something between us smells.

13. Chicken in the Library

Chicken marches into the library, walks up to the library desk, and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian hands over a a couple of slim children’s paperbacks, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, “Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!” The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.

The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says, “Book, Book, Book!”

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: “Read it, read it, read it…”

14. Are Bugs Good to Eat?

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?”

“That’s disgusting — don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

15. Camping with Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

16. Where does the president keep his armies?

Pete Marovich / Getty Images

In his sleevies.

17. On the School Bus

It’s the first day of school.

The school bus stops and a little blonde girl gets on. The bus driver says, “Oh, what a darling little girl! Where did you get those blonde curls?”

The little girl replies, “From my mom!”

At the next stop a little redhead gets on. The bus driver says, “Oh, you lovely thing! Where ever did you get those gorgeous strawberry curls?”

“I look just like my dad!” says the second girl.

At the next stop, a girl with green hair gets on. The bus driver is a little shocked, but she pulls herself together and says “My, what unusual green hair! Where did you get it from?”

All in one motion, the girl puts the heel of her hand at her chin, and pushes upward as she produces an enormous, juicy “Sneeee-r-r-r-rk!” sound from her nose. Continuing with her whole hand flat on her forehead, she pushes upward and backwards, running her fingers through her hair.

Finally, she drops her hand and says, innocently, “No idea!”

18. Why Is Six Afraid of Seven?

19. The Best Joke You Can Tell Your Kids

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you!

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