1. Kansas City Chiefs —-> (QB) Donovan McNabb
New HC Andy Reid trades up to the 1999 draft to select QB, Donovan McNabb once again.
In return, the Eagles receive the opportunity to have never drafted Donovan McNabb.
2. NY Jets —-> VIA JACKSONVILLE TRADE —-> Fans who don’t care about football
If you can’t beat ‘em….lower the bar.
Jacksonville Jaguars —-> VIA NY TRADE —-> An autographed photo of Tim Tebow running shirtless in the rain
3. Oakland Raiders —-> (FAT PERSON) Bruce Vilanch
New GM Reggie McKenzie promises not to make the same mistakes as former GM and owner Al Davis by wasting picks on track stars and muscle heads.
PROFILE: Gelatinous Blob, Bruce Villanch
40 Time: Still In Progress
Cone: 2 scoops vanilla, 2 scoops mayonnaise
4. Philadelphia Eagles —-> Minnesota Vikings —-> Philadelphia Eagles —-> Fine… (QB) Geno Smith, WVU
The Eagles trade the fourth overall pick to the Minnesota Vikings for absolutely nothing. After reviewing the quarterback “talent” available, the Vikings attempt to trade the pick back to the Eagles despite their adamant claims of “no-backsies”. The Eagles finally agree to regain the pick with the promise that the Vikings will spot them one field goal in their December 15th game.
Eagles reluctantly select: QB, Geno Smith
5. Detroit Lions —-> (DT) Sharrif Floyd
The Detroit Lions were very high on Sharrif prior to the draft and are excited about his future as a WR opposite Calvin Johnson
6. Cleveland Browns —-> (LOL) Who cares?
Let’s just say they get a bag of onions and we’ll move on to things that will actually matter in the NFL
7. Arizona Cardinals —-> (TV) Netflix Account
For Mid/Late November
8. Bills —-> (BLANK) Draft Card
All in all…one of their better first rounds
9. NY Jets —-> Release (QB) Mark Sanchez
Addition by subtraction
10. Tennessee Titans —-> (OG) Chance Warmack
What? They need a guard. They can’t ALL be silly.
11. San Diego Chargers —-> (COACH) Marty Schottenheimer
The Chargers, needing to make it to the playoffs, rehire the man who they fired after he made it to the playoffs
12. Miami Dolphins —-> (RAPPER) Pitbull
LITERALLY the only city that likes him
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers —-> Forfeit Pick
Newly acquired CB Darrelle Revis has expressed that he feels unappreciated and has demanded that he be the only player on the team. Despite having just one roster spot filled, the Buccaneers are a reported $14 Million over the salary cap.
14. Carolina Panthers —-> (QB) Rookie Cam Newton + the ability to never age
What the hell happened to this guy?
15. New Orleans Saints —-> (GAME) Apples To Apples
As the biggest disappointment in 2012, the Saints go with the safest pick in the draft. Have you ever played Apples to Apples?? It’s consistently amazing.
16. St. Louis Rams —-> (CB) Leon Sandcastle
If there’s a front office dumb enough to think he’s real, it’s the Rams…or the Browns…or the Bills….come to think of it, he might actually get drafted.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers —-> (COMIC) Anthony Jeselnik
The loss of LB James Harrison has left the Steelers in need of someone who can generate an exorbitant amount of penalties. Jeselnik’s ability to offend officials should help the Steelers continue to underwhelm in 2013.
19. NY Giants —-> (QB) Cooper Manning
The older brother of both Eli and Peyton, Cooper Manning has very little QB experience and is 38 years old. Still. He looks more like a QB than Eli does.
20. Chicago Bears —-> (OBLIGATORY) A year supply of cigarrettes
The perfect complement to Jay Cutler
21. Cincinnati Bengals —-> (OLD PERSON) Jiroemon Kimura
The Bengals were in dire need of veteran leadership so they jumped at the opportunity to select the oldest person on earth. At 116 years of age, Jiroemon will be a valuable locker room presence.
22. St. Louis Rams —-> (WR) DeAndre Hopkins
Now that Stephen Jackson is out of the picture, the Rams needed to find another player with dreadlocks and Hopkins is a match made in football heaven. St. Louis always shits the bed when the pressure’s on, so why not draft the guy who *allegedly* shit the bed in his hotel room at the combine?
23. Minnesota Vikings —-> (ILB) Manti Te’o
ENOUGH with the fake girlfriend jokes, guys. It’s not funny anymore. Manti is a good football player who fits nicely into the Vikings defense. Stop beating a dead horse
24. Indianapolis Colts —-> (BOOK) Maggie Goes On A Diet
Last season, the entire world strapped on a metaphorical Colts jersey and cheered for the uplifting story of Chuck Pagano’s fight against leukemia. Now that the coach is thankfully on the road to recovery, the Colts have found a new source of inspiration: a story about a little fat girl on a diet.
25. Minnesota Vikings —-> (INVISIBLE GIRLFRIEND) Lennay Kekua
26. Green Bay Packers —-> (RB) Christine Michael
This pick makes a lot of sense for Green Bay. They love this RB for his lack of elite talent and his combine best vertical jump. Packers fans can anticipate a maximum of 2 really athletic Lambeau Leaps in his career before he gets cut.
27. Houston Texans —-> (VIDEO GAME CHARACTER) Scorpion
GM Rick Smith said he’s upset with how poorly the Texans have closed out their seasons, so you could imagine how excited he was to pick up the Mortal Kombat fighter with the best finishing move.
28. Denver Broncos —-> (DUH) Xerox WorkCenter 7120
It’s called a PDF. These machines can make them. Welcome to 2013, Denver.
29. New England Patriots —-> (WR) Matt Goldstein
Will start in the slot for the Patriots and is a lock for the Pro Bowl.
30. Atlanta Falcons —-> (QB) The friend that suggests we get Taco Bell when we’re drunk
This A+ decision maker will start in the playoffs when Matt Ryan forgets how to quarterback.
31. San Francisco 49ers —-> (HARRY POTTER) Dementors
Nothing fires up the 49ers football team like 40 minutes of soul-freezing darkness.
32. Baltimore Ravens —-> (RB) Ray Lewis III
GM Ozzie Newsome understands that Ravens fans are huge babies…and when your kid is crying in the store because they don’t have a Ray Lewis - well - you get them another Ray Lewis.