What It’s Like Going To Bikram Yoga For The First Time

HOTT. posted on

1. So EVERYONE you know is talking about Bikram yoga. You finally accept an offer to go to a class thinking, “Ease, ease, ease. I can do this.”

“I’m gonna look like this guy!”

2. “Plus, I played REAL SPORTS for a few years so how damn hard can it be?”

3. Plus I will look fab.

Not that I need it.

4. So you arrive at the class thinking:

5. But then you walk into the class and the HEAT hits you.

6. You set up your little mat in an open space and lay down fast thinking:

7. LITTLE DO YOU REALIZE THIS HELL AWAITS YOU.

8. OK, so the class starts with an instructor directing you to do some breathing exercises. No big deal, baby. I can do this.

9. But it feels like you’re breathing this:

10. OK, so it starts to get a bit hot and you’re sweating.

11. Then this shit starts. The poses are relatively easy but holding them is HARD.

12. Sweat begins to sting your eyes and you are really wishing you brought a pair of these:

13. And then you start doing this crazy flexing stuff.

14. And your muscles are exhausting a bit.

15. THEN YOU HAVE TO START PUTTING YOU BODY PARTS IN PLACES THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN.

16. Now this is you:

17. And you actually really start NEEDING water BUT IT DOES NOT HELP!!!!

18. DO THIS?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I CAN HARDLY STAND RIGHT NOW!

19. During the triangle pose you actually lose your balance and almost slip in your own sweat.

20. At some point during the standing stretches you feel like this:

21. Then the demon instructor releases you for a moment. “OH THANK GOD WE GET A DRINK BREAK”

22. You sit back down in a gigantic puddle where your mat used to be and realize:

23. And you probably have to take off your shirt because it is just a soaked through rag by this point.

24. THE INSTRUCTOR TELLS YOU TO BE AN AIRPLANE. THAT IS WHAT THIS MEANS:

25. “I can’t get my feet off the ground.”

26. BEND BACKWARD AND LOOK AT THE MIRROR?!

27. “How about I just look at the ceiling and try to keep the sweat out of my eyes?”

28. TOUCH MY HEAD TO WHERE?!

30. By the final stretches, you’re just limping along.

31. Then the torture ends and you lay down like this:

32. Laying on your mat in a haze and total defeat, the instructor hands you a cold towel. And it is like this:

33. When it’s all over, you realize in your state of exhaustion that you have to clean up after yourself.

34. And you leave feeling like this:

35. This seems like a very long time ago.

36. And if you ever saw this devil in the street you would punch him in the face.

But he would dodge it because he is so DAMN FLEXIBLE.

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