1. A holy month
H.J.Res. 3: Designating September as “Gospel Music Heritage Month” and honoring gospel music for its valuable and longstanding contributions to the culture of the United States. Can I get a witness? Or a vote?
2. Lifelong presidency
H.J.Res. 15: Proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States to repeal the twenty-second amendment thereby removing the limitation on the number of terms an individual may serve as President. FDR much?
3. Adorable puppies for our soldiers
H.R. 183: To direct the Secretary of Veterans Affairs to carry out a pilot program on dog training therapy. This one we really agree with!
4. A priority list
H.R. 149: To specify the priority of the obligations of the United States Government… hopefully it will be in GIF/ list form.
5. An end to the United Nations
H.R. 75: To end membership of the United States in the United Nations, those Basterds!
6. Baby elephants
H.R. 39: To reauthorize the African Elephant Conservation Act, the Rhinoceros and Tiger Conservation Act of 1994, and the Asian Elephant Conservation Act of 1997. And the Lion King Act.
7. American-only purchasing
H.R. 194: To apply the Buy American Act to products purchased for the use of congress and everything bearing a congressional seal. Thanks for helping guys!
8. Sewer food notifications
H.R. 213: To ensure that consumers receive notification regarding food products from crops, livestock, or poultry raised on land on which contained sewage sludge. Or radioactive ooze.
9. American baseball for Cubans
H.R. 215: To waive certain prohibitions with respect to nationals of Cuba coming to the United States to play organized professional baseball. George Costanza is gonna be thrilled.
10. More Cuban cigars
H.R. 214: To lift the trade embargo on Cuba, and for other purposes. Another one we generally agree with.
11. Emergency chiropractors
H.R. 171: Authorizing the appointment of Chiropractors to regular and reserve corps of the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. So in the case of a national emergency, you can have your back cracked.
12. Drug testing for drug task force officers
H.R. 88: To require screening of law enforcement officers or others acting under color of law participating in drug task forces. Do as I say, not as I … you’re under arrest.
13. A new castle
H.R. 87: To establish the Castle Nugent National Historic Site at St. Croix, United States Virgin Islands. And fart in their general direction.
14. A ban on baby switching
H.R. 82: To establish and implement security procedures to reduce the likelihood of baby switching. Damn, baby switching is a proud past-time in West Kansas.
15. A determination on whether or not Filipinos helped the U.S. in World War II
H.R. 110: To require the Secretary of the Army to determine the validity of the claims of certain Filipinos that they performed military service on behalf of the United States during World War II.
16. Jobs on the ocean
H.R. 70: To direct the Secretary of Interior and the Secretary of Commerce, acting through the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, to initiate immediate action to create jobs in America, and for other purposes. Pull your weight around here!
17. A jaywalking database
H.R. 74: To provide for the collection of data on traffic stops, and for other purposes.
18. An abolishment of the IRS
H.R. 25: To promote freedom, fairness, and economic opportunity by repealing the income tax and other taxes, abolishing the Internal Revenue Service, and enacting a national sales tax to be administered primarily by the States. Scary? Cool? Scary-cool?
19. A combination of the Navy and the Marines
H.R. 124: To redesignate the Department of the Navy as the Department of the Navy and Marine Corps. Just call the next marine you see a “sailor” and see what happens.
20. A mandatory check list
H.Res. 16: Amending the Rules of the House of Representatives to prohibit the consideration of any bill or joint resolution carrying more than one subject. CONCENTRATE DAMMIT!
21. A congressional payback to America
H.R. 106: To require any amounts remaining in a Member’s Representational Allowance at the end of a fiscal year to be deposited in the Treasury and used for deficit reduction or to reduce the Federal debt. Give it back!
- The U.S. will release Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard after 30 years. The move isn't tied to the Iran nuclear deal, American officials say.
- Officials released new footage proving Sandra Bland was "alive and well" when her mugshot was taken. The release aims to counter social media rumors that she was deceased in the photo.
- The NFL has upheld Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his alleged involvement with the deflation of footballs 🏈