Nearly 17,000 people work on Capitol Hill!
Here are some types of staffers you are just bound to run into.
1. Charlie Comms
Always on the phone screaming at a reporter or on a smoke break. Has a two liter of Diet Coke at desk. Always has an “urgent email” to check.
2. Wilber Wonky
Guy who breathes, sleeps, and invests in political games. Relates every discussion to politics. Typical conversation goes:
Co-worker: “How ‘bout them Capitals last night?”
His response: “How’ bout the polling in Texas 4th District?”
3. Type-A Girl
Usually a legislative correspondent. Loves pearl necklaces, Junior League, Belvedere martinis, and discussing her sorority life.
4. Social Media “Expert”
Super socially awkward, yet in charge of social media for the member. Has no real credentials to do their job, but the member does not know a damn thing about social media, so it works out. Obsessed with member social account statistics. Currently at 36 followers on their personal Twitter account.
Life Ambition: Verified check mark.
But a shout out from Cloture Club and 37 followers will do.
5. Nervous Nancy
Office manager who freaks out about everything because they have to keep a bunch of possibly alcoholic staffers in line. Usually 50+ years old.
Life Ambition: Retirement.
Totally upset because she has two years before retirement and is now stuck with Obamacare.
6. Sports Guy
Also can be named Intramural Guy. Never left sports behind after making practice squad for a community college team. Will remind you of that constantly. The office go-to person for sports trivia.
Life Ambition: Win the Kickball tournament.
Or the office March Madness pool — whichever comes first.
7. Donor Kid
Dad’s a big donor to the member. Staff can’t trust him with responsibility, so he’s put in the corner and given the mail job.
8. Puddle Jumper
Staffer always looking for the next job. Been with a different member every year and new title. Always has an “urgent email” to check at the bar while wearing their staff ID.
9. Know it all staffer
Recently promoted from Staff Assistant, this now Junior LC thinks he has Capitol Hill down. Markups are easy to him.
Life Ambition: To be chief of staff in two years.
Will burn every bridge to get there even though everyone knows it won’t happen.
Been with the member for 20 years. Most likely from their home district. Member could not live without them.
Life Ambition: To be buried next to the member.
11. Weird Old Guy
No one is quite sure what he does or where he’s from, but he only hangs around for office parties. Comes in at 7 a.m. and leaves at 3 p.m.
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