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The 11 Different Types Of Capitol Hill Staffers

Which one are you? posted on

Nearly 17,000 people work on Capitol Hill!

Here are some types of staffers you are just bound to run into.

1. Charlie Comms

Always on the phone screaming at a reporter or on a smoke break. Has a two liter of Diet Coke at desk. Always has an “urgent email” to check.

Life Ambition: To work here everyday.

2. Wilber Wonky

Guy who breathes, sleeps, and invests in political games. Relates every discussion to politics. Typical conversation goes:

Co-worker: “How ‘bout them Capitals last night?”
His response: “How’ bout the polling in Texas 4th District?”

3. Type-A Girl

Usually a legislative correspondent. Loves pearl necklaces, Junior League, Belvedere martinis, and discussing her sorority life.

Life Ambition: Become besties with/meet Megyn Kelly

4. Social Media “Expert”

Super socially awkward, yet in charge of social media for the member. Has no real credentials to do their job, but the member does not know a damn thing about social media, so it works out. Obsessed with member social account statistics. Currently at 36 followers on their personal Twitter account.

Life Ambition: Verified check mark.

But a shout out from Cloture Club and 37 followers will do.

5. Nervous Nancy

Office manager who freaks out about everything because they have to keep a bunch of possibly alcoholic staffers in line. Usually 50+ years old.

Life Ambition: Retirement.

Totally upset because she has two years before retirement and is now stuck with Obamacare.

6. Sports Guy

Also can be named Intramural Guy. Never left sports behind after making practice squad for a community college team. Will remind you of that constantly. The office go-to person for sports trivia.

Life Ambition: Win the Kickball tournament.

Or the office March Madness pool — whichever comes first.

7. Donor Kid

Dad’s a big donor to the member. Staff can’t trust him with responsibility, so he’s put in the corner and given the mail job.

Life ambition: More Fireball shots.

While wearing his staff ID.

8. Puddle Jumper

Staffer always looking for the next job. Been with a different member every year and new title. Always has an “urgent email” to check at the bar while wearing their staff ID.

Life Ambition: To be more powerful than you.

9. Know it all staffer

Recently promoted from Staff Assistant, this now Junior LC thinks he has Capitol Hill down. Markups are easy to him.

Life Ambition: To be chief of staff in two years.

Will burn every bridge to get there even though everyone knows it won’t happen.

10. Loyalist

Been with the member for 20 years. Most likely from their home district. Member could not live without them.

Life Ambition: To be buried next to the member.

11. Weird Old Guy

No one is quite sure what he does or where he’s from, but he only hangs around for office parties. Comes in at 7 a.m. and leaves at 3 p.m.

Life Ambition: “Figure out this new electronic mail system.”

And collect paperclips.

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