1. For the people who don't crave human interaction.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
2. For the people who can't bear to leave their favourites behind.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
3. For the people who just aren't allowed to follow their heart.
My heart say "Yes" But my mom says "No"
4. For the people who can't see a fucking thing.
I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
5. For the people who are still being patient.
AGE 18: There's someone special out there for you! AGE 28: You'll find them one day! AGE 38: It'll happen! DEAD: Just be patient!
6. For the people who don't do running.
I've never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
7. For the people who don't have an ounce of trust in kindness.
It's amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
8. For the people who won't talk on the phone, under any circumstances.
MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit
9. For the people with cake on the mind.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
10. For the people who are to nervous to find their actual seat again.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
11. For the people who know how to spend money wisely.
[bankruptcy court] JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles? ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
12. For the people who don't fix what's not broken.
When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I've been there.
13. For the people who do speed-dating the way it's meant to be done.
Speed-dating, but it's just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other's eyes
14. For the people who take their troubles to the doctor.
[Doctors appointment] Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
15. For the people who live their life on the edge.
You know you're old when you get a "You up?" text.... And it's 8:25 p.m.
16. For the people who dread the visit from their parents.
My parents are in town and said they’d be at my house in ten minutes, and I’m wondering if that’s enough time to build a moat.
17. For the people who ball so damn hard.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
18. For the people who know what she said.
Death: I've come for you. Me: That's what she said. D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
19. For the people who can't date.
[first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, im not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd
20. For the people who are upfront and honest.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
21. For the people who know they're irreplaceable.
Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"
22. For the people that know how the gym works.
I don't like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
23. And for the people who plan the important things.
Interviewer: what are your future plans? Me: lunch Interviewer: I meant long term plans Me: what, like dinner?