What Not To Wear: Staying Alive In America

Geraldo Rivera made headlines when he suggested Trayvon Martin’s death was the result of his choice of clothing. To help keep my fellow Americans safe, I created this list of clothes you probably shouldn’t wear if you don’t want to be gunned down in the middle of the night for no reason… posted on

I think the hoodie is as much responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was….

But I’ll bet you money, if he didn’t have that hoodie on, that nutty neighborhood watch guy wouldn’t have responded in that violent and aggressive way…..

It’s those crime scenes, surveillance tapes, every time you see someone sticking up a 7-11 the kid is wearing a hoodie, every time you see a mugging on a surveillance camera or they get the old lady in the alcove it’s a kid wearing a hoodie. You have to recognize that this whole stylizing yourself as a gansta, you’re gonna be a gangsta wanna be? Well people are going to perceive you as a menace. That’s what happens. It is an instant reflexive action

—Geraldo Rivera

The bottom line is: We should all be far more aware of how our clothes are represented in the media, whether it’s on the news, a movie or any other outlet.

That’s why I put together this nifty DO NOT WEAR list to help keep you safe from becoming a victim! Wouldn’t want your clothes to scream “I’m guilty! Murder me!”, now would ya?

3. Black Capes/Helmets

Darth Vader

This should be obvious but Darth Vadar has pretty much ruined the whole “Black leather cape with helmet” look.

When Acceptable: Star Wars/Comic Book Shows

4. Bowling Shirts

Auric Goldfinger

This gold laced murderer took more lives than King Midas. Trying to revive the old, laid back millionaire look could attract unwanted attention.

Where Acceptable: Yachts, Country Clubs, Secret Hideouts

5. Fedoras

Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Whenever I see someone in a nice, white suite and tilted Fedora, I instantly think “Oh, they’re definitely going to try and eat my brains with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. ”

Save yourself the trouble and lose the suit, because if you get to close I will stand my ground.

When Acceptable: First Class, Mojito Bars, Ybor City, Florida

Al Capone

Quit trying to look so gangster or you will be shot on site.

7. Business Suits

Hans Gruber

Some of the worst people ever are shown all over the media wearing these dangerous outfits called “Business Suits”. They range from brutal psychopaths, to money hungry murderers, to vicious gangsters.

Acceptable When: on the 101st Floor, Houses over 7000 sq ft, On a Golden Parachute

Patrick Bateman

That investment banker you see walking down the street could be breaking into houses and murdering people with axes.

TOMMY DEVITO

The next time you see a cologne laden Italian guy in a nice suit, be sure to keep your guard up…They always get away.

10. Everyday Attire/ Blue Collar Clothes

JOHN DOE

You’ll have to excuse the blood in this image—the REAL evidence of being up to no good is definitely the outfit he’s wearing. Why are you trying to look so ordinary Mr. Doe? What exactly are you hiding, you fuckin’ punk?

When acceptable: after Labor Day

Nick Laemle & Lily Laemle

Don’t be a fool: those “regular” people that live next door are definitely killing and eating humans. Just look at those “I’m not trying to stand out” clothes they’re wearing. It’s probably better to just assume they’re cannibals and put them down before they have you over for dinner.

And the worst possible thing ever to wear ever…

13. Hoodies

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum

Wearing a hoodie is like wearing a sign that says “I’m up to no good, shoot me!”

It’s literally the worst thing you can wear, because it signifies automatic guilt. Here we have two seemingly innocent guys wearing hoodies a.k.a. Target signs. Who knows what they are up to? What are they planning? They look like they’re on drugs or something…

Appropriate Only: when it’s raining out, or you’re at a track meet

Takeaway

This is just a short list of clothing that has some sort of negative image attached to it through the news, media, movies and more. There are countless other outfits that I recommend you not wear, as to not draw unnecessary attention to yourself. If you choose to wear any of these clothes, remember, you are willfully accepting any and all morals of any bad individual that ever did anything bad or dangerous while wearing one.

It’s probably just better to go naked.

You’ve been warned!

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