1. Press play:
“Hey Mama” by Kanye West
2. 1. Decipher a crying phone call.
No matter how worked up you are, she is the only one that can understand you through your cries and calm you down.
3. 2. Tactfully say that the swim suit you want is trashy.
Terms like: too mature-looking, too brief, too revealing, and/or not enough support/coverage are commonly used.
4. 3. Juggle her schedule enough to play taxi for you and your friends for 16 years.
Soccer game at 4:15. Pizza party at 7:30. Drive to the grocery store to get mix to make 4 dozen cupcakes for your class tomorrow at 8:00.
5. 4. Get you the best and most thoughtful gifts.
She would stand in line all night to get that game boy you really wanted. Even better, she sends random care packages, which matter way more than presents.
6. 5. Know where any lost item is.
Keys? In the kitchen. Homework? On the dining table. Cell phone? You left it on the sink.
7. 6. Make your lunch, daily, without complaint.
And to your exact specifications no less!
8. 7. Forgive you, no matter what.
If it were you, you’d be furious. She just offers a warm hug.
9. 8. Treat you to nice restaurants.
There aren’t even prices listed on the menus, but you still know you can’t afford it.
10. 9. Bring enough snacks for the whole soccer team.
Oranges? check. Capri Sun? check.
11. 10. Be so embarrassing, yet so funny on social media.
She likes everything, comments on everything, and gets acronyms mixed up. But hey! she’s just wants to keep up with you!
12. 11. Put a brave face on every time she takes you to the doctor.
Trust me, the shot you’re about to get hurts her even more.
13. 12. Be relieved when you can finally drive yourself around, yet terrified with the thought of you on the road.
But she will still backseat drive and maintain a strict curfew.
14. 13. Not be embarrassed by literally anything.
She too busy worried about everyone else to care about what she’s wearing in public.
15. 14. Instill fear itself into you.
It’s war people, every man for himself. You don’t need to outrun her, just one of your siblings.
16. 15. Be more proud of your accomplishments than her own.
There is a certain sense of pride in knowing you raised a wonderful child.
17. 16. Visit your apartment, comment on how much she dislikes it, and then by morning it’s sparkling and stocked.
Everything’s organized and there’s food in the fridge?! The Cleaning Fairy Came!!!
18. 17. Never like your music. Or even pretend to like it.
If it has a parental warning label, she is simply not down.
19. 18. Be willing to drop everything and anything to find you when you need her.
It’s basically a sixth sense.
20. 19. Always have your favorite foods ready and waiting for you when you come home.
You’re handed a fork and knife the minute you walk through the door.
21. 20. Maintain calm when anyone talks smack about you.
If she didn’t remain cool, calm, and collected a parent/teacher conference could easily turn into WWE.
22. 21. Be proud to be your #1 fan.
All the ladies in her book club know all about the girl you want to ask to homecoming.
23. 22. Not take any of your sass.
Who are you raising your voice at?
24. 23. Adopt all of your school friends as if they’re her own.
The line for the after-school snacks starts to your left.
25. 24. No matter what year, will always makes your birthday special.
Whether you’re turning 2, 12, or 40, you’re going to wear a hat and you’re going to like it.
26. 25. Run the house like a BOSS.
But the women are the neck, turning the head which way it pleases.
27. 26. Will go from mom to Mama Grizzly in 2.5 seconds.
Never stand between a bear and her cubs.
28. 27. Will support your every venture, idea, and path.
She’s never ready for you to leave, but it means she raised you right!