1. The Partridge Family.
I am really glad that you and your family members were able to travel together, but is it absolutely essential that you walk abreast down the terminal? I feel a game of “Red Rover” coming on.
2. Mary Poppins.
He/she has a lot of stuff. And it’s all over the only vacant seats. That’s ok, I’m sure their bag is just tired.
3. The cutter.
By all means, elbow your way to the front immediately after the plane begins boarding. I am so glad you decided to waste all that energy and inconvenience everybody just to have the gate agent tell you to wait.
4. The guy with the way too big bag.
Don’t pretend to be surprised and get all huffy when the gate agent makes you check your bag, it clearly does not meet “carry on guidelines”. But you knew that, didn’t you?
5. The audible complainer.
Oh you have somewhere to be? This delay is inconvenient for you? I bet if you passive-aggressively voice your opinion loud enough, we’ll be on our way in no time!
6. The interloper.
Just because you are too large for your seat does not mean you get to share mine. The arm rest is going down and staying down, Kapeesh?
7. The boisterous new buddies.
I am so excited to hear about your nephew’s engagement or your new juice cleanse, but I really shouldn’t have to. After they shut off the lights. From twenty rows behind you.
8. The obnoxious adolescents.
Between the yelling, throwing things, loud music, and iPads at full volume, you may as well wait the flight out in the lavatory.
9. The drunk.
You’ve seen so many mini vodka bottles go his way that his BAC is probably higher than the altitude.
10. The pungent food eater.
I don’t know how or where it came from, I can’t even identify what it is, but I am hoping the oxygen masks will drop so we don’t all die from toxic fume inhalation.
11. The nosy neighbor.
Why yes, I am reading a celebrity magazine, and yes, I am in school, and yes I am visiting family (etc.). Me putting my headphones means you need to STFU.
12. The asshole with the fake service dog.
Service dogs are wonderful, useful, and, for some, essential life companions. It’s not only illegal, but incredibly offensive, to slap a “service dog” vest on your chihuahua just so it can sit on your lap. Why don’t you try and find a moral compass at the gift shop?
13. The sneezer.
Planes are already a cesspool of germs, viruses, and recycled air, but is it too much to ask that you cover your damn mouth?
14. The conveyor belt blocker.
You see your bag approaching and his is nowhere in sight. No matter, this man and some like-minded companions have formed a zone defense around the conveyor. Maybe you’ll get it the next time around.
15. The useless airline personnel.
You arrive at your destination, wait until the entire conveyor belt is empty, and search high and low for an official only to find that your bag is “somewhere.” Not sure where, but definitely not here. Don’t worry though, they will drop it off to you in anywhere from 1-5 days at the most inconvenient time. Enjoy your trip!