Two People Who Have Never Seen “Star Wars” Try To Explain “Star Wars”

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Luke was practicing karate in the desert. Then, he and his friend The Goldschlager ran into an alien bug and things got real weird …

Lauren Yapalater: That’s Luke’s home!!!!!
Matt Stopera: Nice sunset.
Lauren: I’m pretty sure Luke is hanging out outside of his home, watching…….two suns set?
Matt: Why are there two suns tho? Like, wtf… that’s not right.
Lauren: There are two sons in this galaxy… suns.
Matt: Sun = son = darth vader = symbolism.
Lauren: Luke is going to go practice karate it looks like. He’s wearing a black belt.
Matt: Yeah. He, like, def does martial arts.

Lauren: The gold guy! Friend of R2-D2!
Matt: I don’t know… like Goldschlager?
Lauren: Um… like… Oscar?
Matt: Dimbot? I don’t know. The guy that isn’t R2-D2.
Lauren: Yeah, he talks like a robot. Not R2D2. He needs oil to move.
Lauren: Tin man.

Matt: R2-D2. Iconic.
Lauren: R2-D2. DUH!
Matt: He is dumb. All the robots are dumb.
Lauren: He, like, moves around and is a maid.
Matt: They talk slow and need oil.
Lauren: Like, he serves them drinks
Matt: True. He is like a servant.
Lauren: Like the robot from The Jetsons. They are long lost lovers.

Matt: Like, an explorer on space desert?
Lauren: Ok, so this is a desert, and that’s a rover and it’s going around the Earth.
Matt: They are like “Christopher Columbusing” a new area.
Lauren: Yeah, it’s exploring. Not Earth… wherever they are.
Matt: It has to be exploring tho. Like the Mars rover.
Lauren: In a land far far away. I mean galaxy.

Matt: He looks spacely.
Lauren: Jedi? He’s Jedi.
Matt: Obi Won Konobi? He’s Luke’s stepdad? Did they have stepdads back then? Or in the future?
Lauren: Oh, that’s Obi Won Konibi.
Matt: I don’t even know what time period we are in.
Matt: Kon-Ibby.
Lauren: He’s def a Jedi though. You can tell cause all Jedis wear, like, sheets on themselves. They all wear brown sheets…
Matt: He has a lightsaber, and tries to kill Darth.
Lauren:…robes.
Matt: Or is he, like, the king of the little town in the desert? I think he’s Luke’s stepdad.

Matt: AHH! OMG!
Lauren: AHH! Alien bug!
Matt: What the fuck?
Lauren: Look at his lips. They are doing duck face.
Matt: That’s the Green Goblin?

Tanner: What’s he famous for?

Matt: He eats people, or can see through their souls? Like a psychic?
Lauren: Wait… did he kill Luke’s parents? Didn’t they die? He is a mosquito.

Lauren: Ok… that’s Luke too, I think. But a different actor this time?
Matt: Oddly sexual. They’re, like, playing with crystals before they bang?
Lauren: He is talking to the mosquito man while wearing a deep V, and it looks like they are in a cave.
Matt: A cave below the desert because it’s hot? Everyone lives below ground maybe?
Lauren: The mosquito guy is telling him something while the orb glows.
Matt: Wait! The mosquito guy can only talk through the crystals and uses E.S.P.!
Lauren: Oh! Maybe he’s telling him to find his father?
Matt: Because bugs don’t speak.

Matt: That’s the good guys.
Lauren: This is the one Luke drives.
Matt: Yes. Those are pinchers in front. The robot maids are in there too, because they are friends with Luke.
Lauren: This is the good ship. Luke and his friends.

Lauren: That’s Chewbacca!
Matt: Love me some Chewie. <3 That’s what you people call him.

Tanner: What are they doing?

Matt: They’re playing with, like, the desert space version of Barbies?
Lauren: Yeah. Chewbacca and the gold man are playing with rocks and hanging out in the spaceship. Glowing rocks.
Matt: Aw… Chewie is so cute. They are all so dumb.
Lauren: Yeah, he’s so cute… with his hair.

Lauren: Princess Leah! That’s my Hebrew name – Leah.
Matt: Doy! Princess Leah. She’s supposed to be hot as fuck, but her hair is weird.
Lauren: I don’t know how to spell Leah so i’m spelling it the way my Hebrew name is spelled.
Matt: She’s some lady from the desert towns who only wears white. She might be semi-royalty?
Lauren: Cinnabons. She has buns on her head.
Matt: Wait, she is. She’s a princess.
Lauren: Is Luke’s sister/girlfriend? Like Jaime and Cersei Lannister maybe?
Matt: So she’s princess of the desert with weird hair who likes going on missions.

Tanner’s note: It’s spelled “Leia.”

Matt: Iconic shot.
Lauren: Ok, that’s Leia and Darth.
Matt: But wait… that guy looks like he’s from the SS or something?
Lauren: Like father and daughter maybe?

Tanner: What are they looking at?

Lauren: Her school science project. He’s really proud of her. She got an A.
Matt: He’s got her in her grasp. He’s going to kill her with a lightsaber, and then Luke comes and saves his lover.

Lauren: Ok, so Luke and his friend are dressed like storm troopers, it seems.
Matt: One of them is Luke, and the other is Obi? They are spies, and they snuck into a ship to get to Vader.
Lauren: Yeah, they are spying and pretending to storm troopers I think, and they are talking to dumb and dumber.

Tanner’s note: I think Lauren is referring to C-3PO and R2-D2 when she says “dumb and dumber.”

Lauren: Spaceship Earth?
Matt: The Dark Lord? “The Big Eye in the Sky.” That’s what people call it.
Lauren: Dark Broken Moon. Or, like, the Dark Moon.
Matt: That’s where Darth Vader lives. Mad drama happens there.

Tanner’s note: It’s the Death Star. Spaceship Earth is a ride at EPCOT.

Matt: That’s a satellite.
Lauren: Agree. That’s from our universe.
Matt: Maybe it transports images back to Earth and gives us cellphones and cable and wifi?

Lauren: Darth Vader is killing someone with his lightsaber. It’s sad.
Matt: I’m Team Luke, tbh. Wait… it’s like he’s fighting the old stepdad. Competitive dad shit? I don’t know.
Lauren: I’m Team Luke too. He’s a nice guy.

Lauren: OMG! Wait… who is that?
Matt: ‘Shopped.
Lauren: It’s like a scary, giant rat. In snow. Is it snowing?
Matt: Yeah, that’s like, the Yoshi of Star Wars. They, like, ride him places.
Lauren: I don’t know who that man is, but I think he is on patrol somewhere and is seeing something, and then he’s going to report back to his master but he gets shot before he can do it and he dies.
Matt: They’re like horses.

Lauren: Is that person wearing a diaper?
Matt: Wait, maybe the robots are smart? They run the machines?
Matt: This reminds me of Austin Powers.
Lauren: Yeah, the diaper person in the tank needs to be saved.
Matt: Cryogenically saved, like Austin.
Lauren: It’s, like, Luke’s dead brother maybe? The robots are helping him.
Matt: So, maybe they did that to save Luke, because it looks like modern day America. He needs to come back and save the future, so they froze him until the time is right and then he has to go find his father!!!

Lauren: OMG incest. Wait… how many Lukes are there?
Matt: is Chewie a perv? Wait, that’s fucked up. Incest is weird.
Lauren: Cause I thought that was Luke, but then who is the other Luke?
Lauren: Everyone wants to watch them make out. Why is everyone watching them make out? Like 7 minutes in heaven, but not in a closet.

Lauren: Yoda! he’s sooooo cute. Awwww.
Matt: Who is that actor?
Lauren: So cute, he is.
Matt: Yoda is cute.
Lauren: It looks like Sebastian Stan?
Matt: Now I am SURE HE’S A PSYCHIC.
Lauren: Yoda is getting a piggy-back ride.
Matt: He’s, like, wise. He’s got something they need. ———> knowledge.
Lauren: Yeah, he’s really wise and old and like a foot tall.

Lauren: I don’t know that man. Maybe, like, Ned?
Matt: This person isn’t in Star Wars.
Lauren: He’s prob named Ned, and he’s not in Star Wars. He’s from Star Trek.
Matt: Maybe his name is Marshall tho?

Matt: Phantom Menace?
Lauren: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but like more in the future.
Matt: I know that’s a thing.
Lauren: Is it the Phantom Menace?
Matt: I’ve literally never seen that thing in my life.
Lauren: He shoots lasers, maybe.

Matt: That’s a mummy.
Lauren: That’s Luke. I think Luke is a mummy in there.

Tanner: Why is he like that?

Lauren: I don’t know. I feel like Luke dies a bunch of times, and comes back to life? I think Darth Vader put him in there. Like, maybe he’s being punished for a little while?

Matt: They’re in the Dark Ship. The big circle thing. And Darth is like “COME TO ME.”
Lauren: This is the “Luke, I am your father” part.
Matt: SPOILER ALERT! DARTH IS THE FATHER ALL ALONG!!!
Lauren: It looks like Luke is going to die.
Matt: But then Darth dies? Luke kills his dad?
Lauren: Yeah, Luke is about to die here and Darth is like, “Luke, I am your father.” Then he falls?
Matt: He throws him off the cliff. Dead. Splat.

Matt: Jabba the Hutt!
Lauren: I don’t know, but he’s cute.
Matt: He’s, like, adorable.
Lauren: Like a mush head. Like a little slob.
Matt: I can’t tell if he’s good or bad.
Lauren: “I’m the baby! Gotta love me!”

Jack: What do you think his role is in the film?

Lauren: Maybe he sits in a lab and does science?
Matt: He’s like a psychic? Like, he gives people knowledge, like Buddha, but in the desert world and space.
Lauren: Yeah, he’s the keeper of secrets.

Tanner’s note: I have no idea why they think every character is psychic.

Lauren: Omg, is that a sex den?
Matt: Wait, Jabba must be bad.
Lauren: Wait, isn’t that Princess Leia?
Matt: I don’t know. Maybe?

Tanner: What’s she doing? Why is she dressed like that?

Lauren She’s, like, being sexy in front of a bunch of people, including Jabba.
Matt: SLAVE LEIA?!?!?!?!!!!! YES! YES! INFAMOUS!
Lauren: He looks like he’s getting pleasured.
Matt: Boys love her… like, straight boys, which is weird because it’s kind of messed up?
Lauren: Oh really?

Lauren: That looks like the inside of like a toothed giant worm.
Matt: Honestly, it looks like a scary vagina, but that’s just me.
Lauren: Yeah, it’s like a vagina hole with teeth.
Matt: Or like an evil butt hole.

Matt: I love them! Ewoks!! So cute!
Lauren: Omg that is sooo cute!
Matt: They’re like pets.
Lauren: They are in a lot of forests.
Matt: They don’t speak, they just, like, look cute and shit.
Lauren: I had no idea there was so much jungle.

Matt: That is a monster?
Lauren: WAIT! THAT IS THE MENACE, I THINK! I think that’s the Phantom Menace.
Matt: MENACE!
Lauren: He wears a hood and had veiny, white skin.

Jack: What is he doing?

Lauren: He’s trying to kill Luke.
Matt: He stays inside all day because of his skin condition.
Lauren: He’s so pale.
Matt: That’s why he wears a hood. That sucks, I’d hate to be that pale.
Lauren: He’s allergic to the sun and there are TWO of them so it’s just the worst for him.
Matt: Maybe he’s a male witch?

Matt: This is Terrifying. What is wrong with these people?
Lauren: That’s an orthodontist giving a patient futuristic braces.

Tanner: Who is that?

Matt: He doesn’t look good. He’s sick.
Lauren: The bald guy from the Adamms family. Fester.
Matt: He’s dying and Luke is saving him. It’s his uncle. Or the Penguin from Batman.

Matt: Ghost! Cute! They’re in heaven.
Lauren: Ahhh, the Jedis and Yoda, they are. They look like holograms.
Matt: Wait, never mind. Yeah, holograms. They can teleport because they are wise. Yoda = wisest. ——> knowledge
Lauren: Yeah, they stand on metal circles and can teleport their spirits.

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