21 Reasons Mario Is Your Dream Man

You’ve spent so much time looking for the perfect man, but he was there all along.

1. First and foremost, Mario is single.

2. He’s got SEVERAL steady, well-paying jobs.

He’s a doctor.

He’s a plumber. (They make GREAT money.)


He even owns his own cement factory.

3. He’s pretty handy around the house.

4. He’s a celebrated athlete in several different sports.

He’s a world-class pro golfer.

He’s a fierce tennis pro.

He’s an amazing soccer player.


He’s an all-star baseball player.

He’s a basketball phenomenon.

And he’s an unbeatable kart racer. (Is that a sport?)


5. He’s in worryingly good shape.

I can’t go up, like, 10 stairs without getting winded. Mario can SPRINT up stairs all day.

6. In fact, he’s medaled in multiple sports at the Olympics.

7. Despite all that, he’s still a bad boy.

8. He’s capable of profound, personal growth.

9. He’s multi-lingual.


10. He’s a killer on the dance floor.

They even named a dance after him!

11. He comes from wealth and class.


His brother owns his own mansion! It’s a bit of a fixer-upper, but still… property owner.

12. And Mario isn’t doing too bad for himself either.


14. He is rigorously fair-minded and judicious.

15. He’s into Haute Couture…

16. …and will even buy you the latest in fur fashion.

17. Mario is a Renaissance man. He’s a gifted musician…

18. …a talented artist…

19. …an accomplished stage actor…

(If you pay attention, you’ll realize that Super Mario Bros. 3 is all actually just an elaborate stage show.)

20. …and he also made the rare, successful transition from TV to film.


I’m seeing a future EGOT winner.

21. He’s an accomplished typist?

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