1. Set yourself up for success.
You miss 100% of the targets you don’t aim for. If you want to get anywhere in the dating world, you’ve gotta make yourself available. Try standing completely still with your arms out in front of you some time. You never know what might happen.
2. Disguise your advances.
Coming on too strong is always going to seem desperate. Instead, act as though you’re doing something else, like framing a really spectacular photograph. If someone happens to be in your way, make first contact by gently escorting them out of the shot. Boom. You just touched a boob/moob.
3. Act with confidence.
There’s a latin proverb that says “fortune favours the bold” and it holds true in the dating world as well. Confidence is a very attractive feature in a statue or a person. Even less attractive statues have a ton of success when they’re sculpted with confidence.
4. Use kids or animals to start a conversation.
A cute kid or adorable puppy can go a long way when it comes to making first contact. There’s something about kids and animals really lowers peoples’ defenses. Be careful with this technique, though. You may end up attracting some pretty unsavory people.
5. Use what makes you unique to your advantage.
Much like snowflakes, no two statues or people are the exact same. (Actually, forget I said that. A ton of statues are the same.) Figure out what sets you apart from everyone else, and amplify that trait. Are you a gorilla? Great. Use it.
6. Play it cool.
In the dating world, you’re going to be put into a lot of situations you’ve probably never had to deal with before. There are going to be some people you meet who will come on strong. The key is to seem cool, calm, and relaxed. Everything else will just fall into place.
7. Dress to impress.
If you want to be noticed in a crowd, wear something a little loud and zany. Feel free to go outside your comfort zone a little to show how exciting you can be. If you try to fit in, you’ll never stand out. Dressing like a weird little Quaker might seem a little out there, but it obviously worked for this dude.
8. Be yourself.
You want someone who appreciates you for who you are. Don’t try to act like someone you think people will be attracted to, and just act like you. Even if you’re just a statue of some salty old sailor, you’ll eventually find someone who appreciates you for who you are.
9. Play up your celebrity.
Listen, no statue gets more action than those of former presidents. Just ask Jimmy Carter here. It’s okay to let people know that you’re kind of a big deal, just don’t go overboard. As long as you stay humble, it won’t come off as obnoxious.
10. Say something shocking.
Make people pay attention to you. Make a racy joke, without being offensive. The key to this technique is to get peoples’ attention, not to upset them. Also, being a monkey seems to help. Try that too.
11. Learn to play an instrument.
Musically talented people have an advantage over others because they’ve always got something to fall back on. Writing a song for someone and serenading them with it is a technique as old as romance itself.
12. Make the first move.
If you get the sense that the person you’re pursuing is picking up what you’re laying down, get in there and make the first move. A little back-and-forth is always fun, but if you fail to make a move, you’re going to end up alone at the end of the night.
13. Put on a charming smile.
A study from Orbit Complete found that 69% of people find people more attractive if they are smiling than if they are wearing makeup. Showing someone those pearly whites (or in the case of statues, your bronzy browns) can go a long way.
14. Be a little kinky.
If you’ve been in the dating game and/or a statue long enough, you’ve probably seen and heard it all. Branch out a little bit by introducing some less traditional thinking into your pickup game. Some playful spanking or innocent dirty talk could help open some doors for you.
15. Play to people’s fantasies.
Everyone wants their rugged cowboy/cowgirl, or their knight in shining armor, or their nurturing caregiver. After figuring out what the object of your affection is most interested in, play up the qualities that most match their ideal mate. (Unless the thing they’re most attracted to is a lifeless statue. Leave that to the professionals.)
16. Get them something nice.
Everyone loves presents. A nice box of chocolates, a lovely bouquet of flowers, even a simple bowl of inedible bronze fruit… all these things will help show your affection.
17. Do something cheeky.
As long as it’s invited, it’s okay to do something a little forward. Make sure that you’re reading the signs correctly though. Misjudging a situation like this is a good way to get a drink thrown in your face. Even Honest Abe makes mistakes.