How To Raise A Proper British Child In 20 Steps

You don’t have to be British to have a proper British child. You just need to follow these simple steps.

1. Teach them the sanctity of politely waiting for the green man, even if it doesn’t apply to them:

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2. While you are at it, just have them memorize this pamphlet:

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3. Encourage outdoor play but teach them about the dangers of being reckless:

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4. Teach them that it is only acceptable to be impolite in in the presence of a rival football team.

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5. Skip the museum, and instead have a nice day out practicing standing on the right. anglophenia/2012/10/the-best-of-london-undergrounds-spoof-signs/
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6. Teach them to temper their excitement.

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7. And while you’re at it, give them a proper lesson in taxation.

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8. If they insist on lying, teach them to do it properly.

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9. And teach them that if they’re going to be incorrect, they should at least have a sense of humor about it.

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10. Teach them to take a stance on Marmite so this never happens to them.

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11. Teach them that a leisurely day out is no excuse for underdressing.

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12. Let them know that this is true, but that they should still try not to be a numpty.

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13. Allow them to watch CBeebies, but only if they ask nicely.

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14. Remember that displays of affection are important, but should be reserved for special occasions.

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15. Teach them that football is 30% talent, and 70% faking an injury.

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16. Teach them to be respectful and deferential to their elders.

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17. And remind them that flattery will get them everywhere.

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18. Remind them that it’s never too early to learn to be self-sufficient.

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19. Set realistic expectations for when they get older.

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20. And impress upon them the importance of the lesson that you should never steal another person’s tea.

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