The 13 Most Absurd Definitions From “Cool” Magazine’s 1958 Hipster’s Dictionary

Are you worried you sound like a square? Never fear! Cool magazine’s official Hipster’s Dictionary is the definitive resource for all your hipster-talkin’ needs.

Is this magazine supposed to be cool or something? I can’t really tell.

Now that your kissing skillz have been called into question, let’s get down to the nitty gritty!

Wow, being cool is hard work! That’s a lot of slang to learn (and this is only one page of the dictionary!).

1. “A-1 Creep Deluxe Giant-Size Model”: Means someone who is a real square. A double dome.

Doesn’t this seem a little bit involved for an insult? By the time you’ve gotten all these words out, the square in question will have probably walked away.

2. “All that there jazz”: Means all that there stuff, and things, and such.

…well alrighty then. That was helpful.

3. “Fort Knox With Feathers To Be Sure”: A rich, good-looking kat.

I imagine this is what Scott Disick desperately aspires to be with every fiber of his douchey soul.

4. “Gunk”: A scurby cat.

Defining a made-up word with another made-up word (scurby?!?) is apparently the 1958 equivalent of describing an obscure band by comparing it to an equally obscure band.

5. “Hey, King Size, Get Hip & Hop The Breeze”: Scram. Leave. Get lost.

I will pay you $1,000,000 imaginary Internet dollars if you use this in everyday conversation with a straight face.

6. “Holid”: A square with a hole in his or her head.

A hole in your head!? That sounds serious…you should probably hop in a meat wagon (that’s hipster for ambulance, if you cats didn’t know) and get it checked out…

7. “Hunk of Protoplasm”: A big shot.

“Ugh, he thinks he’s such a hunk of protoplasm.” OH BURN!

8. “Jelly-Tot”: A very young person who tries to act older than he is.

AKA every middle-schooler, ever.

9. “Make With The Filled Up Wood Pulp”: To write a letter.

Apparently true hipsters only write letters in pencil…

10. “Marvelvis”: Another word for Elvis (the last five letters spell his name).

LOLOLOLOL. Can someone please make me a tee-shirt that says “Marvelvis Lives”? I would wear it always.

11. “Pneumonia Hole”: A window.

…um, ew?

12. “Slaughter House”: School. Going home to strict parents. “Slave Drivers”: Parents, teachers…or anybody that tries to order you around.

#firstworldproblems much?

13. “Snooperscopes”: Eyeglasses.

Totally using this. “Oh, let me grab my snooperscopes so I can see this better!”

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