When fending off swarms of vampire bats, your hair should always remain perfectly coiffed. Always.
Pleated khakis are the obvious sartorial choice for all your Gorilla-fighting needs.
When facing mortal danger, you can do your best to maintain a look of steely resolve, but sometimes you just have to be like, “Ermergerd, snakes!” And that’s okay. Because you’re still totally pulling off that sleeveless denim shirt.
When planning your next vacation destination, you should stay away from destinations whose names include the words “Man-Eating” or “Rats.”
Actually, you should probably also avoid bodies of water altogether, since they’re all probably filled with weasels. And the weasels will be hungry and they think you taste delicious.
Seriously, you should get out of the water. There’s only so much you can do to defend yourself and your [perpetually red-shirted] damsel in distress from giant crabs if you’re holding your gun backwards.
- California Republican Kevin McCarthy has dropped out of the race to be the next speaker of the U.S. House. ›
- FIFA has suspended its president Sepp Blatter, secretary general Jerome Valcke, and vice-president Michel Platini for 90 days. ›
- Congressional Democrats are urging the TSA to change its screening procedures for transgender passengers. ›